


It Starts With Nail Polish

by apipedream



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Abusive Neil Hargrove, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - No Monsters, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Billy Hargrove & Eleven | Jane Hopper Friendship, Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Bonding, Billy Hargrove Being an Asshole, Billy Hargrove Has a Crush on Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Billy Hargrove Tries to Be a Better Person, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Bottom Billy Hargrove, Dead Neil Hargrove, Gay Billy Hargrove, Gay Will Byers, Good Babysitter Steve Harrington, Good Sibling Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lesbian Robin Buckley, M/M, Neil Hargrove Being an Asshole, Neil Hargrove is His Own Warning, Past Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler, Period-Typical Racism, Protective Steve Harrington, Robin Buckley & Billy Hargrove Friendship, Soft Billy Hargrove, Sort Of, Steve Harrington & Dustin Henderson Friendship, Steve Harrington Has a Crush on Billy Hargrove, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, Top Steve Harrington, Will Byers & Billy Hargrove Friendship, Will Byers & Eleven | Jane Hopper & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Friendship, Will Byers Needs a Hug, Wingman Robin Buckley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:06:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22662952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apipedream/pseuds/apipedream
Summary: Max gets nail polish for her birthday, and out of the kindness of his heart, Billy steals it from her and hides it away. Who knew nail polish would cause drastic changes but also help Billy come to terms with the shit inside his head, because Billy sure as fuck didn't see it coming.A stranger things au
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 36
Kudos: 170





	1. a prologue told in two parts

I. _a prologue told in two parts_

_part one: 1982_

All Hargrove Christmas's in the past ended in pain and shouting. Neil would storm out drunk, and Billy's mother would try to put on a brave face and picking up where they left off with a bruise on her face. She'd tell him to go ahead and open his presents from Santa, the two of them enjoying time without Neil. After Billy's mother left, Christmas stopped happening at the Hargrove house. 

Once Susan and Max entered the picture, Neil seemed to turn around, and Billy watched his father help put up a tree along with decorations. He even humored Susan by putting lights on their house in California. Billy stared at the house after one late night coming home slightly drunk and high, trying to figure out what made Susan different from his mother. It's not like Neil underwent a personality change, he still lost his temper granted Billy got the brunt of it. Not Susan and never Max, just plain old Billy always fucking up someway or another. 

He woke up on Christmas day with a hangover and a bruise that everyone would ignore. Susan stood in the kitchen, humming jingle bells under her breath as she no doubt burns whatever she was cooking. Billy poured himself a cup of coffee, ignoring Max happily eating cookies that were not homemade and kept asking when they could open presents. Opening presents didn't sound as fun as Max made it look. Billy had a hard ass time trying to pick out anything for everyone. It's not like he really cared for the people living in this house, including himself, so he doubted any of his gifts were good. 

Neil walked into the kitchen, causing Billy to straighten up and Max to grow quiet. Susan greeted him with a kiss and laughed at his stupid Santa tie. Billy carefully moved around his father and sat next to Max at the kitchen table, ignoring the dirty look she shot him. Today was there first Christmas together as a new family, and Billy sure as hell wasn't going to pick today to start fighting with the dipshit. 

Breakfast went off without a hitch; everyone eating Susan's poorly made pancakes that syrup didn't help hide the cardboard taste. He didn't spit anything out like he wanted. Instead, he managed to choke down every piece he cut. 

"That was great," Neil lied, easily smiling at Susan and then at Max and Billy. "Isn't that right, kids?" 

Billy felt a hysterical laugh just on the cups of escaping his mouth. For once, he felt like he and Max has a similar mindset because nothing about this was fucking great. Billy hasn't felt anything close to the words _great_ , not for ten years, or maybe his whole goddamn life. This was Christmas, and no matter how much he hated Neil and Susan, or even his disdain for Max, Billy was ready to lie. 

"Yeah, thanks for making this, Susan." Billy smiled while next to him, Max coughed, choking on her food. 

Susan expressed a genuine look of gratefulness at his blatant lie and thanked him, which got Neil to nod his approval at him. Max followed suit after getting her food down her throat, but couldn't help making a comment about her dad that went ignored. All through dinner, Billy acted better behaved then Max at the table. Yet, he still found himself cleaning the dishes Neil ignoring Susan's protests of _it's Christmas, Neil_. 

They at least waited for him to finish before opening presents. Max ripped the wrapping paper off gifts at an impressive pace, and Billy watched as her excited face fell slightly at what she held in her hand. A pack of colorful nail polishes that Max would never use. She discarded after a mumbled thanks. The box landed by Billy's knee, and while Neil focused on opening his own gifts, Billy snuck a glance at the nail polishes. Inside were three brightly colored bottles that fit Susan's idea of girly, and judging by some of Max's gifts, Susan wanted her daughter to be more of a _girl_. 

Max opened Billy's gift last, her eyes shifting up to him, nervous at what he bought for her. It wasn't much, and nothing like Susan or Neil's terrible gifts. Inside the box, Max pulled out a piggy bank the inside already filled with quarters that he put inside. It was cheap to buy, and Billy found change hidden in his car and deep in jean pockets.

"For the arcade," he explained at the questioning look she gave him. "Now, you have a place to store all your stupid quarters." 

"Thanks, Billy." Max even smiled nervously at him, not sure if it was welcomed. 

He just shrugged and opened the one gift that sat in front of him. It was from everyone in the room, Max obviously not bothering to get him a gift from herself like she did Neil and Susan. Billy didn't blame her, but not even his own father bothered to get him anything himself. At least he got a gift, Billy thought as he thanked mostly Susan for a record he already owned. 

Everything forgotten, Billy and Max were forced to watch an old Christmas movie Susan owned on VHS. Max nodded off about halfway through, and Billy zoned out not soon after. Susan enjoyed herself, and that's all that Neil's father seemed to care about. Once the movie ended, Billy got to fuck off to his room on the condition that he clean up Max's shit and put it in her bedroom.

He isn't sure what made him do it, Billy is a lot of things, but fucking stupid isn't one of them. Dropping all her shit on her bed, Billy only takes two things back to his room with him. The record he plans on exchanging for another, and the nail polish which he hides in the shoebox at the back of his closest hidden under clothes he doesn't wear anymore. There isn't much inside the shoebox, a tube of lipstick and a pair of earrings his mother left behind, two porn mags, and now the stolen nail polish. 

Back on his bed, Billy stares blankly at the closest door, trying to figure out why he wanted the pink, purple, and red colors. He can close his eyes and picture himself painting his nails, his mom there smiling at him while she does the same. It's not a memory from his past because, in his head, Billy's still sixteen, but Billy thinks his mom would do this with him anyway. She'd sit with a smile that looked just like Billy's and help him fix the terrible job he'd no doubt do. Everything would be perfect until Neil came home.

Neil, who was banging on his bedroom door causing Billy to jerk violently awake. He isn't sure how long he slept, but Neil told him to get his ass up. It was time to eat Susan's shitty cooking again for the last time before they went to Susan's parent's house for dinner. Billy got through mostly unnoticed, and the nail polish was utterly forgotten. 

_part two: 1983_

The nail polish collected dust for a year before Billy found them again. He practically fell into his room, using his hand to stop the blood pouring from his nose. Almost blindly, he grabbed tissues from beside his bed and hid in his closet like he did when he was a child. Susan and Max were out of the house, leaving him with a drunk, angry Neil. His father tried not to drink with Susan and Max around, which is more than he ever did with Billy and his mother. 

Billy isn't sure what he did to deserves the punch to his face, but he knew when to fucking retreat no matter how much of a coward it made him feel. Tossing the bloodied tissues aside, Billy spotted the shoe box. It had been unearthed from the old clothes, and with nothing but time, Billy reached for it. The first thing he spotted was the earrings his mother made. She'd left them behind just like she left him behind. Grossly snorting up the blood, feeling it slide down the back of his throat, Billy put one of the earrings on figuring it would seem less gay to Neil. He pressed it between his fingers for a moment, remembering his mother dressing up for a night with Neil during the happy times. She'd put this pair on proud of what she made. 

The nail polish caused him to pause, forgetting for a moment that he stole them from Max. She had never asked about what happened to Susan's gift, just glad to be rid of the polish. 

Slowly, almost afraid someone would burst into his room, seeing him just holding the red bottle and start freaking out on him. Max would no doubt take the opportunity to rip into him, Susan would look at him with pity, and Neil would kill him. None of this stopped him from twisting open the lid and pulling out the brush. Using his thumb, Billy painted the nail until it was completely red. When nothing happened, Billy continued with the rest of his hand, being careful not to get any on his skin. 

Finished with his right hand, Billy twisted the lip close and put everything but the earring back in the box. He hid the shoebox again, grabbed the tissues, and left his closet. Billy tossed the trash away, being mindful of the drying polish, and opened his bedroom door carefully, trying to hear if Neil had left or not. Not brave enough to go out into the hallway and look, Billy just shut his door and softly put on his music. 

The red on his nail kept catching his eyes, and he felt a small, proud thrill at how well he'd done. It almost looked like the painted nails on the box. Billy had never really been good at art. As a child, he couldn't stay in the lines, and as he got older, he never really tried to turn his stupid doodles on his notes into anything more. He figured painting his nails would be like coloring in the lines, and yet Billy found it relaxing. He even liked the way it looked, he felt _pretty_.

Suddenly, Billy couldn't breathe because what the fuck was that. He felt pretty and _liked it_. That wasn't a thought Billy could have, he couldn't enjoy anything that didn't scream man. If Billy enjoyed nail polish, what the fuck else did this mean he liked? Did he really love it when one of his friends had practiced braids on his hair because he had some girl running her fingers through his hair or because Billy liked the way he looked? 

He still couldn't fucking breathe, and every time he saw the red on his nails, Billy got worse. Even if he could admit to wanting fucking braided hair or painted nails, Neil would kill him. Billy already had to quit being friends with the rumored homo in his school after Neil found out. Neil had come home in a rage and broke Billy's finger. What Neil didn't know was that Billy had made out with Elliot, that they were practically dating. 

"If I see you with that faggot again, I'll fucking kill him then you!" Neil shouted at his face, and Billy believed him. 

Billy has seen Neil and his friends beat the shit out of a couple for them being homos. He brought Billy, a drunk and, therefore, brilliant idea to Neil and all his buddies. They wanted to show him what it meant to be a man, and Billy learned that what he was feeling wasn't right as he watched Neil's fist pound into the guys face as his boyfriend was held back begging for Neil to stop. 

Elliot called him an asshole, a fucking worthless piece of shit, a coward, and Billy let him. He broke up with Elliot with cruel words and a practiced lack of emotion that Billy couldn't relate too. He's dated and broke up with plenty of girls, but watching Elliot's agonized face and tears spilling down his face tore Billy up. 

Billy blamed himself when Elliot attempted suicide and thanked whatever god that was listening that Elliot didn't succeed. Neil suggested conversation therapy and brought it up at dinner that night with Susan agreeing with Neil and Max picking at her food, not caring.

He couldn't fucking breathe and blinked as his eyes watered, Billy looked for anything to scrape the polish off and found a fucking pocket knife. It was tossed on the floor next to the pile of records he had and, Billy quickly scrapped off the polish; it peeled off easily since he didn't let it fully dry. 

After most of the color was gone, Billy could breathe again and wanted to scream. Instead, Billy grabbed his jacket and opened his bedroom window, sneaking out. He'd smoke and drive until he was numb enough to pretend that everything was alright again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh so this starts after season two but before billy and max arrive. It's like everything happened a year earlier and after eleven closes the portal whatever it's the end of monsters. then billy shows up at high school ready to cause drama. i just didn't want the monsters ok i'm sorry.
> 
> i listened to she by harry styles a lot (like a lot, a lot) for this and here we are.
> 
> let me know if i need to add any more tags and also the only thing catching my mistakes are grammerly and myself, so i guess be kind bc i'm a baby and need to be told gently when i've messed up.


	2. how to pretend to be straight: starring billy hargrove, a gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy deals with living in Hawkins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *there is a few gay slurs so be safe*
> 
> hello it’s me. i hope everyone is staying safe during these trying times and my heart goes out to anyone struggling. 
> 
> i am back and don’t know how starting a new school in the 80s works. tbh idk how joining any new school works i was one of those never moved out of my area hoes. 
> 
> all mistakes are my own bc who else could i blame? beta is grammarly (not sponsored)

II. _how to pretend to be straight: starring billy hargrove, a gay_

_ 1984 _

The sound of the front door slamming shut echos through his head as Max angrily stormed out upset at the world, at Billy. Moving to Hawkins wasn't his fault, no matter how badly Max wanted it to be. Susan and Neil had this planned for months, months before Billy fucked everything up and pushed the move sooner. Now, he sits in his room with boxes shoved in a corner and the view of snow falling down because it snows in Indiana. 

Looking at his room, Billy stares at the blank canvas of white walls and thinks of the posters that littered the walls in LA. He thinks about every poster of hot girls that Neil approved of. On some occasions, they would even have a conversation about whatever seductively posed actress. Those moments would be the most Neil and Billy would ever talk. Billy hates that he savored those talks even if he'd stare at his hidden James Dean picture that he cut out of a magazine to jerk off to. 

The urge to decorate the same way for Neil's approval almost overcame him until he remembered that  _ Neil is dead _ with the force of a car hitting a tree. Billy doesn't have a mother or a father anymore. No one to disappoint. 

Neil left everything to Susan and Max, a big fuck you to Billy, and now Billy was in his first-ever home owned by a woman who doesn't give a shit about him. He feels some sort of freedom, knowing that he has no one to impress. Billy knows if Susan doesn't have to deal with his bullshit, helps drive Max around, then she'll leave him alone. 

Grabbing his car keys, he walks out of his room and passes Susan standing alone in the kitchen. He pauses a moment to look at the woman, her red hair pinned up and out of her face no longer styled in its typical fashion. She's starring blankly down at an opened box labeled  _ kitchen _ in his handwriting. Billy swallowed down whatever emotion that was crawling up his throat and moved his feet away from her. At the door, Billy shouted that he was leaving and didn't wait for Susan to reply. 

Max sat on the curb at the end of the walkway. Her head quickly snapped around to him when Billy let the screen door slap against the door frame. He figured she must be bored if she moved to get up to come asking him questions. 

"Where are you going?" Max asked as Billy unlocked his door to get inside. 

"I want to paint my room." Billy answers and closes his eyes before looking down at Max. "Want to come with?"

She gives him a disbelieving look, which Billy doesn't blame her for that, but gets in the car all the same. Together they drive around and find the town square filled with shops. He spots a hardware store looking mostly empty. Honestly, most of the stores look empty, and parks right out front. 

Following behind him, Max ditches him the moment they step inside. Billy doesn't care, knowing she wouldn't leave the store without him. Susan would be pissed if she'd gone missing, and Billy would be blamed for Max's stupidity. 

Billy browsed around before finding the cans of paint. There weren't many colors, mostly just different shades of white, but he found a blue he liked. Max joined him, obviously exploring the whole store in seconds, and picked a yellow that would be obnoxiously loud. 

"Mom would hate this." Max sounded almost gleeful at the idea of painting her room yellow, and Billy was in a decent enough mood to buy the can of yellow paint too. 

Billy carries the cans out while Max holds the paint rollers and tape. Everything went in the trunk of his car, and Billy drove home fast, ignoring the falling snow. 

In a better mood than before, Max greets her mom with a hug and expects the kiss on her head. Susan doesn't look Billy in the eye when she greets him, and he couldn't care why. He kept walking, knowing Max would catch up. Quickly dropping off the yellow, Billy heads back to his room and drops the bucket wondering how much wall space the paint would cover. 

"Where do you want this?" Max asked, standing in the doorway of his room, not knowing if she was welcome. 

"Just toss them on the bed. I'm not doing anything now." Billy ignores Max as he lets his jacket drop to the floor. 

Max does what he asks and even shuts his door behind her. Billy wondered if that's the most thoughtful she's ever been in her short life. Messing with his record player, Billy puts on music and gets to work on unpacking his clothes. 

Tomorrow was his first day at Hawkins High, and he wanted to make an impression. Billy didn't want anyone to think anything about him other than what he presented. An annoyingly arrogant asshole that took no fucking shit. It wasn't far off from who he really was anyway. 

Already figuring out ahead, Billy knew he also could try out for basketball. It would be an easy way to show off how good he was at the sport and how hard he worked on his body. His weights were tucked away in a box in his room, like most of his shit that wasn't important right away. Billy was dedicated in most everything he did, needed to be the best. Neil expected the best. 

_ Neil's dead, you fucking dumbass _ , Billy found himself thinking and took a shaky breath in. Even if he could slack off his senior year, already had a perfect GPA, he was already writing college essays. College wasn't something anyone expected of Billy, not even Neil. Still, with quiet desperation, Billy worked hard enough that counselors at school handed him schools that would take him on grades alone. 

College meant true freedom, not this bullshit kind of freedom he has now. If he could graduate college, he could find a job to make enough money to never need anyone but himself. No one to rely on. 

That night, Billy pulled out the shoebox he unpacked and hid under his bed. He opened it up, staring at the dust-covered nail polish inside. Did college offer this kind of freedom too? He questioned no one. He touched the same red one he put on his nails a year ago before shoving everything back into the dark underneath him.

-

Waves crashed violently onto land but missed Billy as he dragged a surfboard behind him. The board was too big for him, and would only cause him to get knocked off into the ocean. The sound of the ocean was so loud Billy couldn't hear anything other than waves, not even his own breathing. Looking back, Billy spotted his mom. 

She stood out of reach of the water that washed up to just the edge of her toes, never touching. Billy thought she'd be happy, their time away from Neil was always spent happily at the beach, but she was screaming. Billy tries to focus on her voice, but he can't remember what it sounds like, which confuses Billy. 

"I'll be fine, mom!" He shouts back at her assuming she is concerned about the waves.

The waves stop after the words leave his mouth, everything going utterly still. Billy looked up first away from his mother and saw that the clouds had disappeared, leaving behind the very blue sky. He feels the sun beating down on his skin but can't look over at it, Billy's muscles aren't listening to his head. Instead, he looks down at the water and sees red. 

Slowly he realizes he's standing in blood, and he screams when a hand grips his upper arm dragging him. It's Neil, and Billy doesn't understand how because he's dead. He tries telling Neil that, but Neil isn't listening and is shouting, but it's still so silent. His father is dragging him further and further away from his mom. The blood starts to thicken the farther into the water they get. Billy can't get out of Neil's grip struggling with all his might. 

Billy didn't want to go under like Neil was. He tried to stay above the water and with his mother. Nothing worked though, Neil's grip just tightened, and together they went under with Billy screaming the whole way down. 

-

Staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, Billy ignored the annoyed knocking of Max. Next to his elbow sat the curling iron that Susan often used for her hair. Billy already had curly hair, but in the fucking cold weather, it fizzled out, and he found it so frustrating when trying to style it. This happened on rare occasions when it was cold in California, and he'd go to school early just to fix his hair in the empty boy's locker room. 

Neil's not around now to say anything. 

Using a clip, he parts a section of his hair off and carefully curls his hair. He leans against the counter, counting to ten in his head before finding another strang. Billy works faster when Max starts pounding on the door, complaining that he's taking too long. Carefully, he takes a comb to gently brush through the curls to give them a more natural look. Grabbing the hairspray, he uses way too fucking much, not wanting anything to go flat. 

He coughs out the taste of hairspray as he opens the door and glares down at Max. She looks up at him with a frown taking in his hair and rolls her eyes. 

"You're such a  _ girl _ ." Max throws at him, and Billy feels himself stiffen. 

The words remind him of something Neil would say. An almost kid-friendly way of calling him a  _ fucking fag _ . He could almost hear the sound of Neil and his friends laughing at what Max said, and Billy's mood sours. Max is just a bitch because he's a dick, but that doesn't stop him from wanting to hurt her. Billy never got the chance to hit Neil for calling him a fag, but Max is an easy target. She would look the way he feels, and Billy would get some sort of sick satisfaction out of that. 

Max slammed the door in his face before Billy could figure out his emotions, and figured it was probably a good thing. Susan would have a giant issue with Billy hitting her fucking daughter. He wondered if she would have had the same problem if it was Neil, or would she just ignore it too. 

Back in his room, Billy put denim on top of denim and checked to make sure he had everything he needed in his bag. One last look in his propped up mirror, and he was out of his room. He peeked into the kitchen to make sure that Max cleaned up the breakfast he made out of the kindness of his heart and frowned when he saw she just put the plate in the sink. 

Susan wouldn't care, grateful Max even thought to put the plate in the sink, but Billy did care. He couldn't handle the dirty dish and quickly remembered being shoved roughly into walls, his head banging against hanging photos, because of dishes he didn't wash. No one here would hurt him for leaving Max's plate alone, yet Billy still walked over and started to clean it off. The process helped him breathe better. 

Max came into the kitchen in a rush, already clutching her skateboard, and he could feel her glare on his back. She huffed out a frustrated sigh when Billy held out the plate for her to dry, it's the least she could do to help out. 

"We have a dishwasher," Max grumbled under her breath and still used the rag to dry the plate. 

"It builds character," Billy said, hating that it sounded like some bullshit Neil would have said. 

Together they left. Billy locked the door behind him and got inside his Camaro. He slapped Max's hand away when she tried to change the station. It took him forever to find the fucking heavy metal station and sure as shit wasn't going to let Max lose it. She frowned and focused her attention instead on the passing greenery outside the car. Billy enjoyed Max's silence and tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, matching the music's beat. 

"I'm gonna be late today," Billy told Max while pulling into a parking spot. "I'm trying out for basketball, so don't do anything stupid like getting kidnapped."

She flipped him off on her way out of his car and skated off towards the middle school. Billy got out and already could feel eyes on him. Trying to act like he didn't notice, Billy took in Hawkins high and took note of how small it was compared to his last one. He sighed and grabbed his bag from the backseat, already tired. 

Billy already has the mailed school schedule shoved in his back pocket. Pulling out the wrinkled paper, he scans over it. Memorizing the classroom numbers, Billy pushed his way through the crowd of people and found his locker. The inside was empty, not that Billy expected anything different. For decoration, he added a magnetic mirror and stuck on the Metallica sticker he'd found while packing up his old bedroom. 

Classes started soon, so Billy hastily made his way to the front office where all his school books would be. He'd have to check them out so the school could blame Billy for any damage they'd accuse him of doing. Billy fucked with a lot of things but not school books, they were too expensive to even doodle in. The same woman at the front desk who greeted him helped him check out the books and watched Billy neatly sign his name inside each one. A note was given to him to ensure he wouldn't get in trouble for being late to class. Billy took that time to shove the books he didn't need in his locker and walked through the empty halls to English. 

Billy sat next to a girl who kept glancing over at him the whole class. She wasn't brave enough to pass him a note, but when Billy looked over at her, she did give him a smile. He nodded back and watched her face turn red. Billy didn't let her constant starring distract him from taking notes about an upcoming book report. The teacher was letting them choose the book to read, and Billy wished he'd kept his old book reports to just tweak and turn in. 

The bell shrilly rings, and Billy gets out of his seat only for some guy and his girlfriend to join him in the hallway. Billy listens to the introduction and takes note of all the posturing Tommy does. He's trying to act tough, but by the way, Carol talks, they're just stupid rich kids. They flaunted their money for power and status, which pissed him off, but Billy didn't say shit. He wanted that power, and Tommy would quickly back down. Tommy was a follower desperately looking for someone else to follow. Billy idly wondered who was the king bee before him and what happened. 

Lunch rolled around, and Billy walked with Tommy to a table. On their way, Tommy shoved some guy with some ridiculous brown hair. Carol laughed, flipped her dyed blonde hair, and made a snide comment about the couple sitting at the same table. She implied a threesome, and Billy tried to relax as the word faggot rolled out of Tommy's mouth. 

"You were always so original with your insults, Tommy." The guy muttered under his breath. 

Tommy drew himself up, ready to attack, and looked back at Billy for back up. Billy couldn't get the word faggot to stop ringing in his ears. It wasn't Tommy's voice; it was Neil's, and he was shouting. Neil kept getting louder and louder, and Billy swore he could feel his arm starting to hurt. 

A hand slapped his chest, drawing him out of thoughts, and Billy's eyes found the guy with the hair staring at him. Tommy gave him an ugly look, annoyed at the lack of support he got, and Carol watched him judgingly. Billy wanted to be king, to be on top of the food chain to gain some sort of control over his life. With Neil gone though, his life wasn't as out of control anymore. It was the most stable it had ever been. 

"You good?" The guy asks, but Billy ignores him. 

"Fuck off, I don't talk to queers." Billy can't bring himself to say anything harsher. It gets the reaction he wants with Tommy laughing, and the guy sighing. 

"Can you believe I used to be friends with that pussy?" Tommy shakes his head and sits at an empty table. 

Carol laughs, running her fingers through her boyfriend's hair. Billy just sits across from them, ignoring the way they look lovingly at each other. He wanted to keep down the lunch he was eating and does not want to throw it up.

"Who is he?" Billy asks, thinking of the dumb face that looked at him with concern. 

"That's Steve," Carol says, ready to spill drama. "He dated Nancy, which I don't know what he ever saw in her, but Steve was so hung up on her. She had his balls cut off and then dumped him, but it seems she still has his balls." 

Tommy chokes on his food, trying not to laugh, and Carol flips her hair proud of herself for earning laughter. Billy plays along, not really caring. 

"Nancy is now fucking that freak Byers." Carol pops a piece of gum in her mouth and pulls out a tube of lipstick from her bad. It doesn't go with her skin tone, but Billy can't know that. 

"That whole Byers family is fucking trailer trash. Probably inbred or some shit." Tommy shoves more food into his mouth, and Billy knows he's never had to worry about going to bed without food. 

"Jackie says that she knows  _ for a fact _ that Byers and Steve are fucking behind Nancy's back." She pops her fucking gum after her grand statement. 

"I don't want to even picture that. It's fucking disgusting, right, Billy?" Tommy asks, pointing his plastic for right at Billy's chest. 

"Yeah, it's revolting." Billy hollowly agrees. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit (5/6): bitches who realize way late they fucked up the chapter title. i’m bitches


	3. billy gets a girlfriend in one easy step (he just sits)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy sits next to Robin and now they’re dating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like a fool i forget to add robin in the tags but she should be there by now
> 
> find any misstates? blame it on my dyslexia bc what else is it for. my beta is none other than grammarly (a true hero tbh)

III. _billy gets a girlfriend in one easy step (he sits down)_

Billy made the basketball team, and he waited to feel the pride that would typically soon follow. Tommy congratulates him with a smirk and a pat on the shoulder. As he showers washing the sweat off his skin and out of his hair, Billy realizes he doesn't feel anything. He did what he was supposed to, make every basket that was required of him, and shoved down whoever got in his way. The coach looked excited that Billy didn't hesitate to play rough even with his own teammates. 

Steve got in his way the most. The guy would move to block him, his grey shirt sticking to his sweaty chest, and Billy would quickly shove him down. Steve never got into any sort of fight and won, Billy judged. He couldn't hold his fucking ground. Those expensive sneakers squeaked every time Steve was sent back on his ass. Billy thought Steve was supposed to be good at this. Tommy said he was, and yet Steve goes down every time. 

Next time Steve went down, Billy stood over him and held out a hand. His insane amount of hair was pushed out of his face and sweaty. He had this absurd thought of washing it and wondered if it were soft. Steve looked up at him with a mixture of fear and annoyance. Billy wanted to roll his eyes because fuck Steve, he wasn't going to do anything. 

"You were moving your feet. Plant them next time, draw a charge." Billy stresses and Steve gives him a hard look, not taking the advice for advice. 

For once, Billy was trying not to be an _asshole_ , but this fucking dick thinks he's acting like one. Billy never had a problem falling into behaviors that people expected of him, so Billy didn't help him up like planned. He shoved Steve back down and left him on the court sweaty and breathing hard. 

After the showers, Billy spots Max sitting on her skateboard in front of his car, looking bored. She's rolling back and forth on the sidewalk and picking at a scab on her knee. He walks up to her blocking the sun, and she stares up at him, annoyed. 

"Did you make it?" She asks, standing up and gets into the front seat. 

"Yeah," Billy mutters, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from the dashboard. He lights one and feels a flicker of enjoyment at the sound of his car starting. 

"My day was great, thanks for asking?" Max pouts, glaring out the window. 

"Can you shut up?" He asks as that enjoyment quickly fades away. 

Max stays quiet for the most part, even when he drives recklessly. Billy thinks the only good thing about Hawkins is the long stretches of empty roads. Cops don't set up any sort of speed traps, which gives Billy the freedom to go as fast as he possibly can. Another benefit is Max hates it. She is afraid of dying, and Billy can't fault that fear. He wouldn't get her killed, though, no matter how much he hated her at times. 

He pulls into the empty driveway and laughs at Max for trying to run away from him. He's the one with the keys, which he shakes in front of her face before unlocking the front door. No one was home, Susan at work leaving Max free to slam her door shut without her soft-spoken mom asking kindly to not slam doors shut. Billy knows Max would just roll her eyes because she's a bitch. Billy still flinches if his door closed a little more forceful than the gentle way he'd normally do it.

Feeling tired, Billy goes into his room and does his homework. Math homework he does quickly, numbers coming easily, and then he picks a book at random to start a rough draft on his paper. He's read the book countless times, but this time he's got to make annotations and notes. The snob deep down inside of Billy is pissed off. He's marking in the book, but his need to do well in school always wins. Billy figured he shouldn't really care about it anyway. This wasn't some first edition just a classic he sure as fuck didn't love. 

Billy jumped at the knock on his door and looked up to see that it was dark outside. He got too into the book, forgetting to make any sort of useful notes. It still wasn't his favorite, though. 

"Dinners ready, Billy," Susan tells him through the door. She'll never open his door again, not after she caught Billy jerking it under the blankets. Neil laughed about it, and Billy always wondered if she ever saw who he was masturbating to. 

"Ok," Billy shifts in his bed and moves all his school work out of his way. "I'll be out in a moment."

He hears the soft sound of Susan's feet move across the carpet. Billy thinks that's why Neil married Susan. She is quiet and tries to take the smallest amount of space. His mom wasn't like that, not at first anyway. Wherever she is now, she's probably happier without Neil and Billy dragging her down.

Susan made a burnt casserole, which is her specialty. They have all sorts of soda to drink, Neil liked cheap soda, but Billy could see Susan preferred coke. Max seemed happy about the preference as she drank down the soda fast, but as Billy sat down, Max just kept looking down at her helping of food. _It's not just going to walk away,_ Billy wanted to say, but he couldn't bring himself to. Not because he was feeling suddenly kind, but because he wished it would, too. 

"How was your day, Max?" Susan asked, taking a bite of her food, not wincing at the very black burnt piece. 

"I joined the AV club." Max sounded proud, and Billy didn't know if it was because of the club or that she made her mom choke on her food. 

Susan sighed, hating that Max didn't do what she felt typical girls should do. Billy didn't care what the fuck Max did, but he couldn't help but feel some sort of feeling anytime Max tried to show her mom; she just wasn't like her. Max relished in scraping her knees and elbows on her skateboard and loudly expressing her dumb opinions. Susan only had a job because Neil didn't make enough to support the whole family. Otherwise, she would have been the perfect housewife except with shit food. 

"I was hoping you'd join the junior cheer squad." Susan sounded genuinely upset. "I even got you something."

She sat up to leave the table and opened her purse. Inside was a small pack of lip glosses, only three, which she sat on the table for Max. Huffing, Max picked the lip glosses up and glared at them. Billy looked too, it rolled on, and the model on the back had lips that looked wet. Doing the same thing she did to the nail polish, Max tossed it aside, and the box landed too close to Billy. He felt hot under his shirt at it just being only a fork space apart. 

"Why don't you listen?" Max asked, not really wanting an answer. "I won't ever wear any of this shit!"

Max was feeling ballsy without Neil around, and Billy hated her even more for it. Neil haunts every part of Billy, and yet Max is acting freer than ever. She just cursed at the dinner table and didn't even pause to think about what the fuck she had done. No quick rushed apologies or stiffening up your body to ready for a punch or slap. Billy kind of wanted to scream, but Max was already there as she shouted at her mother. 

"Honey, I listen, but I just don't think all this boy stuff is for you. Only a day in this club, and you're cursing." Susan tried to reason, but no one reasoned with Max. 

"Dad wouldn't make me wear any of this. He liked that I was into skating." Max threw her dad into Susan's face and then dramatically left the table. 

Billy didn't know what to do. Max slammed her door, and Susan looked on the verge of tears. Billy didn't really care about Susan, or he didn't want to, but he knew what Max's dad was like. Sam Mayfield was the kinda dad that would make all these promises but when it was time to show up Sam flakes. Max would wait hours insisting her dad was just running late, but he never was. Then he'd just show back up in her life with gifts and a few moments for themselves. Susan was always there for Max. She didn't know how fucking grateful she should be for Susan. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, Billy." Susan used the back of her hand to wipe her tears. "You shouldn't have had to see that."

A laugh almost escaped. The two of them fighting wasn't anything close to horrible. Susan knew that too. She's been witness to some horrific fights between Billy and Neil. Always staying out of it because it wasn't her business. At least it became hers when it mattered. 

"This is good." Billy tried lightening the mood and even forced himself to swallow down a bite of her lasagna. He quickly followed that with a sip of coke to wash away the taste. 

Susan gave him a slight smile but didn't stay seated. She moved to throw away Max's food and placed the plate in the sink. Billy stood and helped something he's used to doing. Once the table was clear, Billy started dumping the leftovers into tupperware. He acted like he wasn't watching Susan pick up the lip glosses and knock on Max's door out of some last-ditch effort of hope. Lasagna placed in the fridge, Billy waited until Susan was in the living room watching some soap opera and not able to see what Billy was doing. 

"I'm taking this," Billy told Max after opening her bedroom door. The lip glosses sat on her dresser, and Billy tried to hide the stutter in his breath when he picked the pack up. 

"Why?" Max asked, looking at him like he was pathetic. "Promised a girl some sort of present?" 

"Why the fuck do you care? You change your mind about this girly shit?" Billy smirked when she just told him to take it and get out. 

Billy shut his door and shoved a weight in front of it so no one could walk in. Tossing the pack on his bed, Billy pulled the shoebox from under his bed. The nail polish knocked softly against the side of the box as he moved it next to the lip glosses. Ripping the lip gloss pack open, he put them inside, letting them join the nail polish. A rush of danger ran through him, causing Billy to pick up the nail polish to open it. He had to shake it since the liquid looked weird and gross. When Billy opened the purple color, it was gross, and Billy should probably throw it away, but doesn't. Someone would notice if he did what with his luck. 

The lip gloss, on the other hand, wasn't old, and Billy could very easily hide the evidence. He moved in front of the floor-length mirror he had that leaned against the wall. Billy hasn't gotten around to hanging it up on his walls yet. Sitting in front of the mirror, Billy swallowed as he twisted the pink cap off and carefully set it next to him. Billy breathed and forced his mind to shut up as he rolled the gloss on his lips. 

He didn't really look any different, he thought after rubbing his lips together to spread the gloss. Billy assumed his lips may look slightly pinker, but he did enjoy the gloss. Without a thought, he added more and thought it looked prettier, _made him look prettier_. Putting the lip back on, Billy stood to admire himself from a distance. He wanted to see if the gloss could still be seen if he wasn't pressed against the mirror. A thrill went through him when he could see it. 

_Do queers like this?_ Billy thought and ran his fingers through his curls, still feeling pretty. _Does Steve like boys in gloss?_ That thought had Billy pausing because why the fuck would he care about Steve. He doesn't care about any boy at Hawkins. It would be pointless too in this small hick town. They'd beat the shit out of any queer's, probably fucking burn him alive for just looking at any boy wrong. 

_Wearing this gloss is even worse than being a fag,_ a voice that sounded too much like Neil's whispered into his head. Billy hated that the voice was right. Not even another homo would like Billy to wear this shit. They'd hate that he wanted to do anything girly. All the boys that showed any interest in him were because Billy was a man. They liked his muscles, his tanned body, and the fact that he played sports. Guys didn't want Billy looking like some fucking girl. 

Using a towel, Billy used it to get rid of the gloss. He's already enough of a freak Billy doesn't need to be even more of one. It doesn't matter that he felt good wearing the gloss. Who the fuck cares how Billy feels? For all of Billy's seventeen years, no one really ever gave a fuck. Why should that change all of a sudden? 

He shoves everything, including the trash back into the shoebox, and pushes it back under his bed. Billy promised himself he'd let the fucking box go, just forget about it. Nothing inside was for Billy to enjoy, and he was gross for even humoring the idea that it was.

-

This week he had different classes to look forward to.

Billy was unable to test out of taking a language class and is forced to take the highest Spanish course. He always did alright with Spanish, those classes were never his top-grade but never low enough for Neil to get upset. In California, his sophomore year, Billy already took the two language classes needed, but here in Hawkins for his junior year, one more year is required. So, Billy got to start his day in _Spanish III_ , and he barely made it on time. 

Max kept dragging her feet, and Billy shouted at her the whole ride to school. He hated her for making him start his day in a really shitty mood, and would kill her if she was late tomorrow. Billy stressed about being late for anything important, and school was important. Not like Max gave a rat's ass about Billy and what triggers him, the bitch. 

The teacher told him to find a seat and chose one in the back next to some girl. She looked up at him as he went to sit and frowned. Billy acted like he didn't notice. The only other seat was in the front, and he wasn't about to sit there. This girl looked like she couldn't even throw a punch, let alone scare him out of sitting next to her. 

"Someone already sits there." The girl finally spoke up. 

"Does any part of me look like I care?" Billy shot her a smirk and even licked his bottom lip when she looked at him.

She just rolled her eyes and shrugged. 

Whoever sat next to her took one look at Billy and sat somewhere else. The girl kept looking back and shooting ugly looks to who Billy was seated next to. He sighed out, deciding to be a better person for this one moment. 

"I _can_ move." Billy offered and pointed over at the girl whose seat he took. 

"Uh," the stranger looked at the girl and her ugly looks. "It's fine. I think she's just mad that I'm sitting here next to you instead of her."

She looked back at him and smiled, "I'm Robin."

"Billy," He only gets his name out before the class starts.

Quickly he catches on and writes notes in his notebook. The guy next to him keeps trying to catch a look at his paper, and Billy won't let anyone take any sort of credit for his shit. Not even his notes, so he shifts his notes closer to Robin, who is focused on her own. She doesn't seem to care that Billy can see what she's writing in her sloppy handwriting. He isn't really looking, nothing she had on her paper adds to his own notes anyway, he just takes pride in the careful way he writes. Billy knows he's sometimes fucking ridiculous like right now. 

The bell rings, and Billy is a bit surprised that Robin walks with him. He's also surprised she's younger than him. 

"What do you mean you're a _sophomore_? Why are you in my class," Billy asked, ignoring the looks he's getting. 

"I'm just better at languages than you. Probably better at most things than you." Robin jokes, but Billy flips her off all the same. 

"You must have a talented tongue," Billy winks at her, "and I'm not a senior, _dingus_." Billy tries out her insult and feels like he's twelve and vows to never use it again. 

"Well, shit, you're smarter than you look," Robin says, rolling her eyes. 

They split up on good terms and a shared lunch. Billy debates if he wants to sit next to her. He shares his next class with Tommy, who keeps throwing tiny rolled up pieces of paper at the back of Jonathan's head. Tommy keeps trying to get Billy to join in, but Jonathan looks like the type of guy to snap. Billy didn't doubt he owned a gun and probably knew how to use it. A teacher gets him to stop, and Tommy flips her off when she turns around. 

Billy spots Robin at lunch, but she's surrounded by a shit ton of fucking band nerds. He doesn't want to subject himself to that, and Robin seems to understand by her head nod. The downside is Carol spotted this exchange, and like a cat uses its claws, she dug into him, refusing to let go. 

"You like the young ones?" Tommy asks, sounding gross. Billy wasn't going to let this asshole anywhere near Max. 

"She's a year younger," Billy mutters, not really wanting them to know he's ahead in most of his classes. California offered more advanced courses, but in Hawkins, he's just on a senior level. He didn't let them know that. 

"You're a Junior?" Carol sounded so shocked, and Billy gave her an offended look. He may act like an idiot, but he doesn't appreciate the surprise at him being smart. 

"Fuck you," Billy snaps. 

"Calm down, it's cool. You can do my homework then if you're so smart." Tommy jokes, but Billy is prepared to get asked for help soon. Tommy could fuck himself. 

"Well, I guess she's alright to date." Carol gets back on track. She glances back at Robin and her brows furrow, thinking. "She's got nice hair."

Billy would appreciate Carol trying to be considerate about Robin if she was his girlfriend, but she's not. All he did was sit next to her, and they talked. Somehow they're dating now, and Billy doesn't like that. What if Robin got some sort of stupid idea? He didn't date girls like Robin. She was smart and not afraid to express her opinions. Any kind of breakup bullshit excuse wouldn't fly by her. Robin would get answers out of him, and Billy didn't feel like outing himself just to get someone off his back. He also enjoyed their conversation in the hall and didn't want to lose a potential friendship. 

"I'm not dating her, Carol." Billy reminds her for what feels like the umpteenth time. "Now, tell more about that party."

Successfully changing the subject, Tommy goes off about the kind of alcohol Nichole can somehow get. In a quick run down, Billy knows who sells drugs. His name is Nick, and he mostly sells pot and sometimes meth. He knows who the easiest girl in school is. Her name is Becky, and according to Carol, her one redeeming quality is her hair. Lastly, Billy knows Steve was _King of the Keg_. It's not a surprising fact, but it's a fact Billy holds onto.

"Guess you’re inviting Robin," Carol says to be a bitch, and Billy doesn't answer just leaves them before the bell rings.

The day passes, and Billy is grateful for his last class of the day. It's chemistry and his only junior level class. In California, it was different, and he would have taken chemistry his senior year. At Hawkins, physics was a senior class that he's already taken, so he was stuck in chemistry. Robin sits alone at a lab table, but Billy doesn't spot her right away. He spots Steve Harrington sitting next to some girl. They were talking to each other, and Billy watched as the girl reached for a strand of Steve's hair and fixed it, so the piece of hair no longer rests along his forehead. 

Steve laughs at whatever the girl says as Billy passes by, and Billy wants to hear more of it. 

Robin motions him over, and the two of them sit behind Steve and that bitch. They have an open show to all the flirting, and Billy wants to take a page out of Tommy's book and start throwing shit at them. He isn't the only one that's annoyed he notices. Robin keeps shooting them looks, but she has the misfortune of getting caught by Steve a few times. Steve ignores Billy, which is probably fair and gives Robin a smile. She just looks away with a frown. 

"He's so annoying," Robin mutters, and Billy snorts. 

Billy thinks of Steve playing basketball and the way his shirt clings to his body. Thinks about how despite Steve unable to stay on his own two feet, how good he is at throwing ridiculous shots and making them. Steve took a shower next to him, and Billy made fucking sure to look anywhere but at him. 

"Yeah, he is." Billy agrees full-heartedly. 

"Rumor mill is he's a queer," Billy adds and watches the way Robin shifts nervously in her seat. 

"He's painfully straight." Robin sounds so sure, and Billy wishes that thought didn't disappoint him. "So is Tammy."

The class started, but that doesn't stop Tammy from twirling her hair around her finger and Steve smiling at whatever she's whispering at him. Billy hardly takes any notes as the teacher droned on too caught up on how Steve just lets Tammy into his space. He doesn't even try to shove the hand that she places on his thigh. 

"He just lets her do anything," Robin whispers to him. 

"Her hand keeps inching higher and higher, and he's just letting her," Billy adds. 

"Do people give handjobs in class?" Robin asks, sounding a little disgusted by her own question. 

Billy is disgusted by himself because his immediate thought is that he'd give Steve a handjob in class. He's not stupid enough to voice that to Robin, so instead, he shrugs. 

"I heard girls did it, but any girl I asked would just slap me." He lies and enjoys the look of annoyance that crosses over Robin's face. 

"I'm joking. I wouldn't want a teacher to catch me with my dick out." Billy feels the tips of his ear turn red at the thought. He's pretty confident, but having to look a teacher in the face after that seems hard. 

Robin chokes on her laugh, getting looks from others around. Even Steve looks back, and this time graces his presence on Billy. Billy does his stupid charming smile that most any girl falls for and watches the way Steve face forms an unreadable look before he turns back towards the board. Tammy doesn't bother to look back at all, and Billy wonders what Robin's sigh could possibly mean. 

"You going to that party?" Billy asks Robin after chemistry. 

Steve is only a few paces ahead of them and still walking with Tammy. It isn't relevant, but Billy can't ignore the fact that both he and Robin are watching them. 

"Parties aren't really for me," Robin says, and Billy doubts that. 

Back in California, Billy heard a lot of shit goes down with the fucking band geeks. The most shit ever went down was on band camps, and Billy always felt so surprised a bunch of losers got into so much drama and bullshit. He knew a girl who dropped out because she got pregnant on one of those trips, and how some dude got slapped for cheating on his band girl for another band girl. 

Robin is just a _dingus_ as she would put it. 

"Steve and Tammy will probably be there." Billy idly thinks and hates the idea of seeing them drunkenly make out. 

"Fuck, Steve," Are Robins parting words leaving Billy smirking on his way to the gym. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen idk how high school worked in the 80s i wasn’t alive. was there ab/block scheduling? idk. is there such a thing as google to further my lack of knowledge? yea. i only used it to find out that mythology was a class you could take and not something u learned about through percy Jackson. 
> 
> also i wanted age difference not like its much annnnd i want a smart billy so here we are.


	4. billy learns that other gay people exists. who knew?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy is pretty sure his life is a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my dudes lets get ready to chacha slide our way into gay shit
> 
> warnings for the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school parties... also one homophobic slur
> 
> my beta is no longer just me and our good friend grammarly, now [concretelobster](/users/ConcreteLobster/) has kindly offered to help!!

IV. _billy learns that other gay people exist. who knew?_

Billy stands in front of a bookshelf staring at a row of cookbooks. He'd been driving, killing time before the party started, offering to run by and get groceries, spotting a bookstore. No matter how short, the thought of dealing with Susan's cooking for the rest of his high school career sounds horrible. He doubted Susan would take it well if he just handed her a cookbook, and figured he'd just take over the cooking. Billy got home before Susan, even with basketball practice, which left him plenty of time to cook dinner. So he’d pulled over and now, here he is, buying a cookbook. The lady behind the counter smiles and is quick to assume that the books are for his mother.

"A birthday gift for your mother?" She asks, smiling. 

"Sort of." He didn’t bother going into detail about his life and wanted to cook for his own sake. At the rate Susan is going, she'd probably give them all food poisoning, and Billy isn’t about to let that happen.

He tosses the books in the passenger seat and drives to the food market. Outside it's the coldest it's been since he's arrived. Billy wonders if the snow that’s falling would stick this time around and if he should find some second-hand store to buy a winter coat. He drives only slightly more carefully than usual but knows he still drove past the speed limit to pull into the supermarket parking lot without too much time passing. Grabbing one of the books, Billy skims through it to see what he could make and what he needs to buy. Susan had given him a list and trusted him with her credit card for unknown reasons. Digging out a pen from the glove compartment, Billy wrote down a few recipes that seemed simple enough and figured he'd just buy the name brands if he felt like it was getting too expensive. 

When Billy's done, he tosses the pen aside and gets out of the car. He isn’t ready for the sharp cold wind that rips through him and shoves his jacket further around him. It doesn’t help that Billy's shirt is loose, very thin, and he even has a few top buttons undone. Billy curses under his breath, staying hunched slightly over, and is grateful for the warm air that welcomes him inside the market. He grabs a cart and starts moving through the aisles, looking for all the shit he’ll need. Almost everyone he passes is a middle-aged mom or kids from his school buying junk food and trying to debate whether they could get away with stealing beer. No one pays him any attention, which makes shopping peaceful. 

He's almost done when he spots Steve standing with Jonathan staring at rows of ice cream and frowning. Whatever Steve is saying looks to be nowhere near useful to Jonathan, who just sighs. They don't spot him, but Billy really needs to get a pint of vanilla ice cream; Max likes rootbeer floats, and Billy just enjoys sweet things. Billy shakes his head and walks closer to the two boys, Steve's hair looks perfectly put together, but he also looks tired, like he wasn't getting full nights of sleep. Jonathan notices Billy first and shifts on his feet like he’s nervous about what Billy might do. Billy finds that unfair seeing as Tommy can't leave Jonathan alone, not _Billy_. 

"You're in my way, Harrington and Byers." Steve jumps at the sound of his voice, and Billy can’t help the smirk that spreads across his face. Jonathan moves and tugs Steve with him. "What are you two idiots doing just staring at ice cream?" Billy asks, reaching for the ice cream he needed and dropping it in the cart. 

"Nothing," Says Steve at the same time that Jonathan says, "Buying ice cream." 

"If you don't know what flavor to get, I recommend strawberry. It's my favorite." Billy winks at Steve, who rolls his eyes, but Jonathan just shrugs and pulls strawberry ice cream out. 

"Why are you getting that?" Steve asks, sounding like Jonathan just kicked his puppy. 

"We couldn't decide, so he picked for us." Jonathan starts walking away, leaving Steve with Billy. 

"Whatever." Steve mutters and glances at Billy, "Thanks, Hargrove, I guess." 

Billy enjoys Steve's attention a little too much. Steve's pretty brown eyes look over him, and Billy kind of wants to preen at the way those eyes slide down to his exposed chest and quickly look away. He wants Steve to keep looking, even if the looks are making him feel hot under his skin, but Jonathan asks if Steve is coming. Soon Billy is left alone without Steve making him warm. 

-

Getting home, Billy starts putting food away and broaches the subject of cooking with Susan. At first, she keeps saying Billy does enough, which is a lie. Billy only takes Max's places and sometimes keeps an eye on her. He doesn't provide money in any way, he couldn't if he wanted to since nowhere was hiring at the moment. Susan isn't swayed until Billy says he'll only cook dinner on weekdays, so she doesn't need to worry about anything when she gets home. She agrees and adds that she doesn't want to see Billy wake up early in the morning to make breakfast.

"And no cooking on weekends." Susan adds, "You're still a teenager and should be enjoying the weekend." 

Billy feels grateful; he knows Neil would jump on the opportunity to make Billy's interest in cooking a chore or insult him for wanting to do women’s work or both. Susan just wants him not to forget he's a dumb teen, even if most days Billy feels older. His positive feelings last long enough for Billy to stick up for her when Max pouts at not being able to have a bowl of ice cream before dinner. Together they eat what Susan makes, and while Billy washes the dishes, he asks about the party. No matter what Susan says he's going, he’s just trying to be polite. 

"Try to stay safe." Susan sighs, and Billy can remember the parties he went to in California and how he'd show up drunk and stupidly brave. It never ended well for Billy because Neil was always ready to knock him down. 

"I will." Billy isn't sure if he's lying or not, but he goes into his room to get ready. 

The party is in full swing by the time Billy arrives. He always shows up late to a party, never wanting to be the first. Inside, it’s packed full of people drinking, dancing, or talking loudly over the music. Nichole's house was nice, big, and everything inside looked expensive. Billy isn’t anyway near this rich, and it figures that all the rich kids hang out together. Technically, he shouldn't fit in with Tommy and Carol; most of their close friends live in the same expensive neighborhood that they live in, but Billy is hot. That’s just as important as money, if not more so. People are willing to overlook a lot for Billy's looks, and so Tommy loudly greeted him once he spotted him instead of ignoring him like he would with anyone else. 

"Where's Robin?" Tommy asks, looking at the empty space next to him. 

Rolling his eyes, Billy doesn't bother with an answer and heads to the kitchen where all the alcohol will be. He makes himself a drink, pouring too much tequila and not enough coke. When someone sets down a shot in front of him, Billy doesn't even think and knocks it back before accepting another. A pat on the back and a loud shout of excitement had Billy meeting Nichole's boyfriend, Ed. He's in college, or at least that's what he's telling everyone, but Billy has a feeling he dropped out and is mooching off of Nicole's parents' money. Billy doesn’t stick around while Ed tries to explain his supposed English lit major. 

He drinks and looks around for Tommy and spots him on the couch with Carol on top of him. Next to them sits Dan, who's fucking blazed out of his mind and stares off at nothing. Dan is another of Tommy's wealthy friends, but he often hangs around all the kids who do drugs under the bleachers. They'd make bongs out of coke cans and leave all the evidence on the ground, not bothering to hide their crime. Billy never bothered with drugs; Neil thinks alcohol was typical teenage behavior, but drugs… drugs were unacceptable.

"Billy," He hears his name called out and spots Robin standing in the kitchen archway looking uncomfortable. "I hate you." 

Billy can't help but smile and ignores how Carol tries to untangle herself off of Tommy to meet Robin. Carol almost falls, but still manages to beat Billy to Robin. She flips her hair styled off of some actress on the cover of a magazine he pretended to thrust over with Tommy. It's nearly as big as the actresses, but Billy doubts Carol has enough hair to do so. Carol starts asking Robin questions, all of them slurred, and she never pauses long enough to give Robin a chance to answer. 

"Do a shot with me while the girls talk," Tommy says behind him, and Billy smirks at Robin, leaving her alone with Carol. 

Tommy bets Billy can't do three shots in a row without a chaser, and it ends with Billy somehow joining in on a keg stand. In his drunken, upside down state, Billy spots three things: Robin glaring at him, Steve watching with a frown, and Tammy glued to Steve's side. He can hear Tommy and others shouting at how long he's stayed up. The blood rushes to his head, the world spinning, but Billy doesn't stop until Tommy shouts about beating someone's high score. Tommy helps Billy down, and they celebrate with a quick shot that Billy is surprised he manages to get down. Some part of his hazed brain thinks that his liver may be dying at this very moment. 

"Hey, King Steve," Tommy calls out, and Billy feels jealous that Steve looks up at the sound of Tommy's voice. Why can't Steve ever respond right away to Billy's voice? "Looks like someone beat your keg stand record." 

Billy feels his smile grow, a competitive shit at heart, and looks at Steve, who doesn't look pleased. Steve looks annoyed and expresses that to Tommy, whose shit-eating grin slowly fades. He feels Tommy's arm around his shoulder disappear as he moves closer to Steve. Billy knows Tommy is drunk, not nearly as drunk as Billy, but enough that Tommy's anger is quick to appear. Carol typically leaves him alone in times like these, and Billy can't see her anywhere.

"Tommy, can you ever just grow up?" Steve asks, looking downright pissed off. "You think your dad is just gonna keep paying for all your shit forever? All your fuck ups?" 

Part of Billy registers this, but another part is distracted by Tommy, whose fist has tightened at his side. His stance makes him think of Neil, who stood identical to Tommy before he'd throw a punch, knocking Billy down. It leaves Billy feeling cold, and the scared shitless part of Billy's head backs up, bumping into Robin. When she got there, he wasn't sure, but she takes one look at his face and sees the fear. Robin opens her mouth to say something, but Tommy stops her. 

"At least my parents are around to care." Tommy throws back, but Steve just laughs. 

"You think what they do is out of what? _Love_?" Steve seems to not be holding back anymore, as if he's got a lot of shit on his chest, and being slightly buzzed is the best way to get it off. 

Billy's impressed; he'd dreamed of doing this with Neil, but, unlike Steve, he's not an idiot. A brave idiot. Steve doesn't know what happens next, thinks Tommy will just keep shouting, but Billy knows. He knows what will happen next. Billy laughs, can’t help the laugh that bubbles up, but no one notices. Neil would have knocked him down by now and, if Billy had kept going, _he_ would have just kept going until Billy stopped talking altogether. That's what Tommy's going to do, and Billy can only laugh.

"Billy?" Robin whispers and tugs on his jacket, but Billy doesn't move, he just watches Steve open his mouth to keep going. 

"You embarrass them, and they don't want all your bullshit out in the open. Your dad is afraid you could ruin their reputation." Steve laughs mockingly at Tommy, seemingly not aware of the crowd surrounding them.

It starts like Billy thought it would, with Tommy throwing a punch out of anger. The force of the blow causes Steve to stumble, and he uses the vined brick wall to catch his fall. Robin's curse doesn't make Billy look away as Steve moves his hand away from his mouth, and he blinks at the blood on his lip. Billy looks to Tommy, who rolls his shoulders and takes a step forward, ready to hit Steve again. This all ends very differently than how Billy thought it would. 

" _Jesus fuck Billy._ " Robin breathes out after Billy hits Tommy, and he drunkenly falls on his ass.

Steve looks at him like he's growing another head, but Robin doesn't waste time. She grips the sleeve of his leather jacket and doesn't let go. Robin doesn't stick around to see if Tommy gets his bearings, and Billy can't find it in himself to care. He swallows down the vomit that's in his throat, everything catching up with him all at once. 

"Billy, where are your keys?" Robin is rushing out, shoving Billy against the passenger side of his car. He wonders how Robin got here. She doesn't own a car. Did she walk?

"Did you walk?" Billy voices his question. 

"Focus Billy," Robin snaps her fingers in his face, and Billy's eyes jerk to Robin's flushed face. "Where are your keys?"

"My pocket." He slurs out. 

She finds them and unlocks the door, shoving Billy in his car. The world shifts as he goes from high to low, but Billy swears he can see Steve in Nichole's front doorway, watching Robin back out from his shit parking job. He thinks he waves, Billy isn't sure, but he swears he honestly thought about it. Robin drives careful and at the correct speed limit. Max would love it if Robin drove. She'd probably love _Robin_ , too. It sucks that Billy is a big, raging homo and would never end up with some dumb girl. 

"Why do people think we're dating?" Robin's voice fills the silent car, and he wonders where her thoughts had been. Billy's own keep jumping around from Steve to the dumb look on Steve’s face when Billy punched Tommy and Steve, watching Billy drive away. He probably still hates him. It makes Billy feel kind of sad.

"Billy, did you hear me?" Robin snaps her fingers again, this time next to his ear, and Billy jerks away.

"I heard you," He mutters and laughs. "It's because I sat next to you in Spanish."

"I don't want people to think I'm dating _you_ ," Robin shouts as she turns the car suddenly, causing Billy's head to jerk against the window and hit it. "You're a _meathead_." 

Billy feels two things as Robin drives to an abandoned-looking lake. It looks black as fuck right now, and Billy blinks, trying to see any light, but only the headlights of his car are lighting up the black lake. He suddenly remembers what he's feeling and sees Robin, who stops the car and crosses her arms over her chest, frowning. 

"Two things," Billy starts, "One you'd be lucky to date me and two," Billy burps and reaches for the door handle, he uses his foot to kick it open. "I think I'm going to puke." 

"Oh shit," Robin mutters. Billy feels the seat belt loosen from around him and assumes Robin has let him loose to puke. He makes it near to the edge of the eerie water and lets his guts out. In a matter of minutes, he feels both better and worse after emptying his stomach. His head feels slightly clearer and less clouded, Billy hasn't forgotten anything but feels a little different about punching Tommy. He feels kind of like a fucking dumbass, but it's too late now. Besides, Billy doesn't really regret it at all and knows he'd probably do it again. 

"Here," Billy jumps at the sound of Robin's voice suddenly by him, handing him a hair tie. He uses it to pull back his hair. _It's too long_ , Billy hears that stupid voice that always sounds like Neil. 

"Do you like Tammy?" Robin blurts out, and Billy turns to look at her, the world only spinning slightly this time as he moves too fast for his body to catch up with. 

"What?" Billy feels lost and very confused. He can't even remember what color Tammy's hair is. She did have bright neon yellows nails, Billy remembered _that_ clearly, and he hated the way that hand moved up Steve's thigh.

Robin starts walking back towards the car, muttering under her breath, and Billy follows, not about to let this go. Why would it matter if he liked Tammy? Why in the world would this matter to Robin? Billy watches her climb back into the driver's side, slamming the door. Not sure how to deal with this whirlwind of emotions Robin was suddenly expressing, Billy gets back into his car. He thought Robin would start the car and leave, never bringing up her insane question about Tammy. 

"Well, do you?" She brings it back up, looking at him. "Tammy would probably date you. Girls are always looking at you, you and _Steve_." 

Billy feels a headache coming and isn't sure he really wants to deal with Robin and her questions. Is she jealous of Tammy? That Billy's looking at Tammy, that _Steve_ is looking at Tammy?

"Wait, do you like Steve?" He doesn't mean to raise his voice at the question, but he does, and Robin shoots him a wide-eyed look. 

"No! _Gross_! You moron, I like Tammy, not Steve." Robin's response matches the level Billy was at with his question. She even went a step further and used her hands to express her point.

"Oh _,_ " Billy draws out the word and nods. " _Good_." 

A moment of nothing happens. The wind blows, harsh and angry, causing the car to jerk and the lake to move violently. Billy and Robin watch as the snow starts to fall down and stick to the front window of his car. He needs a coat, and he needs one fast. Susan might let him have the money if he offers to take Max to get one too. Max, sure as shit didn't have any winter clothes. She, like Billy, only had California weather clothes stuffed in that dresser of hers. All this snow is going to ruin the way he speeds down these roads, and he would probably need to leave earlier to get to school on time. Where he'll have to see fucking Tommy and judge how pissed at Billy he is for punching him over Steve. He'll also have to see Steve and won't escape him, not since they share a class where he'll be sitting next to Tammy.

 _Wait,_ Billy thinks and looks over at Robin, who seems to be catching up with everything he just said too and is looking back at him. At the same time, they both try to speak over each other.

"What do you mean, _good_?" Robin asks, just as Billy asks, "Wait, you like _Tammy_?" 

The silence stretches again, snow starts to rapidly fall now. Billy doesn't want to speak. First, his mind is reeling at the new information. Robin likes girls. She's gay. Isn't that what she's saying? 

"You're gay?" Billy questions.

Robin seems to be on the same page as Billy with a question ready, too, "Do _you_ like Steve?"

"Ok, look," Robin starts, so no one is speaking over each other again. Billy looks over at Robin, who moves in the leather seat, so her body is facing him. She leans back against the door and starts tugging at the strands of her jeans. "Yes, I'm gay, or a lesbian, or whatever. I like girls." 

Billy stares at Robin, who just rolls her eyes at him and kicks him gently in the thigh. Sighing, Billy matches Robin in the way he sits and rubs his face. His mouth tastes like vomit, his head hurts, and he's about to admit out loud that he likes boys. He isn't sure he's ever actually vocalized that he's gay. Moments of figuring out if some dude was gay were never spoken, Billy would be looking for a million subtextual clues and hidden gestures that would click in Billy's head. The last time he was with a guy seriously did they ever say they were gay. Not till Billy broke his heart and his sexuality was thrown angrily in his face. 

"You could do better than Tammy." Is what Billy finally says. 

"Wow, thanks," Robin says dryly. "You could do better than _Steve_." 

He doesn’t agree or disagree, and Robin sighs loudly. She kicks him again, this time harder and raises her eyebrows, wanting him to confess. Billy looks away, back out at the snowy night, chewing on his lower lip. 

"Yeah, whatever I'm gay," Billy mumbles out and kind of wants to puke again. His arm hurts for no reason, and he reaches up to squeeze it. 

" _Ugh_ , why is it always, Steve?" She asks, not making a big deal out of Billy's confession. He figures it’s only fair. 

"It's his hair, isn't it?" She asks, and Billy starts to laugh. 

"He's got nice hair." Billy agrees but quickly adds, "It's nowhere near as perfect as mine."

Robin huffs out a laugh and turns back to face the lake. Billy follows suit and stares at the snow knowing his puke would be hidden. Looking around, Billy is still creeped out despite maybe finding the snow pretty. He knows there's a reason the lake keeps making his skin crawl. 

"Isn't this the place where they found a dead kids' body?" Billy asks. He knows Tommy said something about Jonathan's little brother going missing and how a dead body was found in some lake. It turned out the dead body wasn't the right kid, but it was _someone's_ kid. 

"Yeah." Robin breathes out and starts to turn on the car. "We should probably go."

"You took me to a dead kids lake to say ‘hey Billy, I'm gay." Billy starts to laugh at the way Robin's face turns red. 

"Shut up," Robin mutters, embarrassed. "You are so annoying." 

-

Billy wakes up to a massive hangover and a soft knock on his door. Groaning, he gets out of his bed, not really remembering when he changed into a pair of gym shorts and an old soft t-shirt, Billy opens his door. Susan stands on the other side, dressed for work and looking apologetic. She explains she's needed on short notice and asks if Billy would be oh so kind and take Max and a friend to the arcade. Apparently, Max's friends were going and promised at least one other girl would be there. No need to provide any cash or quarters for Max, she still had her piggy bank filled with the loose change she'd found. 

By the time he walks out of his room, Susan has left. Max looks at him, and he knows he looks a mess when she does a double-take. His hair is pulled up, Robin apparently didn't want her rubber hair band back, his soft shirt is too short, which he hadn't noticed until now, and Billy knows he has dark circles under his eyes. Billy had slept like shit with weird dreams about dead kids in lakes and Steve's dumb face. He pulls on a jacket and his boots, thankful that the snow barely stuck around, the ground still not entirely cold enough for it to stay. Billy isn’t planning on getting out of his car, so he doesn’t care what he looks like. 

Max follows him inside his car and fails at trying to steal his tossed change. He’s too tired to act like he cares, he just turns up his music to annoy her. Sadly, Billy does have to turn the music down to get directions to the Byers' house. Both elder Byers' were at work, and, ever since Will showed up, Joyce hasn't wanted Will wandering off alone. Billy figured that's what a good parent would do, Neil probably would have been pissed if Billy showed back up into his life. Too bad the reverse happened, and Neil wouldn't be coming back.

The Byers live surrounded by forest and nothing. No one around to hear anyone scream. Billy knows that this house would be in some horror movie, just perfect for murder or some cult shit to happen. He pulls up onto the dirt pathway and honks his horn like Max instructed. A kid walks out with a godawful bowl cut, plaid, and a jacket that probably belonged to Jonathan at one point. Will Byers looks like a butch lesbian, and Billy laughs at his own joke. 

"Shut up," Max says. 

"His _hair_ , Max. Who’s cutting his hair?" He asks, watching this kid lock his door and come running to Billy's car. 

He opens the door, letting cold air in, and Billy looks back at him to see if this shit got any wet dirt anywhere but the floor of his car. Will blushes when they make eye contact, his eyes flickering over Billy's face, and whispers a greeting to Max. In a soft voice, he tells Billy that he only needs a ride to the arcade, not back home. This kid seems frail enough that if Billy turns up his music, the beating of the base would just pump his heart out of his chest. Pulling out of the Byers driveway, Billy gets back on the main roads, turning his music up but not to what it was before. 

"Got enough change?" Max turns back to question him as they get closer to the arcade. 

In the rearview mirror, Billy watches Will shrug, mumbling about how they don't really ever have change. The Byers were poor, and money mattered, even fucking nickels and dimes. Billy had moments like that with Neil when he was without a wife who provided a second income to help take care of his kid. All three of them are early, which suits Max just fine. She'd get to play her favorites first before one of the boys started to hog it. She gets out of the car with a scathing insult when Billy reminds her what time he'll be back. 

"Yeah, whatever, dipshit." Max left the car quickly before Billy could retaliate in any way. 

"Wait," Billy said as Will started to get out. Opening his car door, Billy motions for Will to follow him to his trunk. The kid looks nervous, glancing back at the arcade and then again at Billy's toned thighs.

Inside the trunk, Billy has a secret stash of change that he’d kept from Max. When in doubt, Billy knew quarters would be an ethical bribe for a girl like Max. He tugs the old bag forward and unzips it. Will breathes out in awe at the amount of change that Billy was way better at stealing. It's not as much as it looks, but kids are dumb that way. Focusing on Will, Billy doesn’t notice the other car that pulls up; if he had, he'd probably throw himself in his own trunk. Instead, he hands Will too many quarters which the kid takes with repeated _thank you's_. 

"I don't need any of your thanks. Just don't say shit to Max, I'll never hear the fucking end of it." Billy told Will, who smiles happily. Billy smirks back and watches as that blush comes back, and brown eyes quickly shift away. Something clicks in Billy's head, but before he could process it, someone shouts his name.

"Hargrove?" Steve is dressed in expensive clothes, looking all put together, and staring at Billy. Billy is pretty sure his shorts are pulled up higher than a man's shorts should be, and his hair is in a bun. He isn’t dressed for the cold, and it’s apparent that Billy has barely been awake.

"Fuck," Billy breathes out, itching to run away. 

More of Max's friends come around and, before those fuckers can get close, Billy closes his trunk. Will didn’t say anything when they noticed his heavy pockets, he just makes a comment that his mom collected shit when he was missing. That quickly got his friends to shut up, and Billy smiles when he catches Will's eyes, impressed with the small amount of manipulation. They all disappear inside by the time Steve is next to him. 

"Liking the new look," Steve looks him up and down as he speaks, and Billy hopes he isn’t blushing like that fucking kid. 

He isn't used to Steve speaking to him, let alone looking at him. Billy irrationally wants to ruin this development with insults and lies. They aren't friends, Billy punched Tommy for more than just not wanting Steve to get hurt. Some part of him needs Steve to know that, in hopes that it will get Steve to back off. To realize he did what he did out of fear and selfishness, not because his heart is large and caring. Billy doesn’t, though. He just flips Steve off. 

"Still hotter than you, princess." Billy tosses at him, knowing he's probably more of a _princess_ than Steve. He's the fag with all the hidden makeup, after all. 

"You study for that chemistry test?" Steve asks casually, leaning against his car. 

Billy is really confused by this nonchalant way Steve is speaking to him. Last time they talked, Billy threw a slur at him, which got him glares from Steve's ex in the hallways. If Nancy realizes they’re in the same class, he'd probably get glared at hard enough that looks _would_ suddenly start killing. Billy would be the first of many to die. 

"What are you doing?" Billy questions; his need to know overpowers the chill creeping upon him. 

A cop car gets both of them to stop. Billy stiffens when it gets too close to him and swallows when an officer gets out. The cop pays them no mind, too busy opening the back door, and a girl gets out. The mysterious girl turns around to wave at Steve, who waves back, and glances over Billy. He hardly pays attention to the girl, too busy watching the way the cop moves. 

The cop is thick like the men Neil hung out with them. He carries himself like he's bored and annoyed, but Billy knows if he steps out of line, that cop would be ready for a fight. Billy's eyes follow the hand that ruffles the girl's hair and hates that Steve seems to know the girl's cop dad too. 

He doesn't mean to flinch when the cop thrusts a hand out for a shake. Steve doesn't notice, too busy talking to the cop he called Hopper. Hopper noticed, and his eyes flicker over Billy's face like he's trying to remember what he looks like. Billy forces himself to act normal and not weak. His hand feels smaller in Hopper's as Billy shakes it. 

"You're Susan's son?" Hopper sounds more positive than he should be. Billy figures Susan isn't correcting anyone when they ask. It would be too complicated to explain what went down with Neil. 

"Stepson," Billy isn't polite like Susan and hopes the annoyed tone doesn't piss off the cop. 

Hopper just nods and leaves, not before asking Steve if he'd pick up Jane - his daughter. Steve happily agrees, making a throwaway comment about not having anything else to do. Billy doesn’t think he’s pleased about that, but he would lie to a cop dad too. He'd try to sound as happy as possible when saying he'd love to pick up some cop’s kid.

"I figured punching Tommy meant you weren't exactly full up in the friend department." Steve shrugs as he speaks. 

Steve doesn’t seem to know not to keep confusing Billy. He's still thinking about the stupid cop that is now aware of him, not focusing on whatever the _fuck_ Steve is saying.

Seeming to sense Billy being slightly lost, he adds, "You asked what I was doing?" 

Billy frowns. 

"I don't want a pity friend. Besides, I'm pretty sure Robin is a friend." Billy feels kind of dumb for sounding like he's bragging about having _one_ friend. Steve still has him beat.

"This," He gestures towards Billy and then himself, "is more about myself. The only friends I've got are on a date right now."

He figures Steve isn't lying. It must be hard to watch your ex-girlfriend move on with someone and still try to all be friends. Billy thinks it's kind of weird, Steve being the weird one. Why stick around watching Nancy and Jonathan make out? Steve could make more friends, and he seemed to flirt with Tammy just fine. 

Dramatically sighing, Billy thinks about how Steve is in chemistry, a class for juniors, not seniors, meaning he must have had to retake it, failing the first time around. 

"I already studied," Billy told Steve, hating seeing the way his shoulders dropped. "but you can borrow my notes; they're at my house, though." 

"It'll kill time while these little assholes waste their time playing games." Steve throws his keys in the air and catches them in one smooth motion before adding, "I'll follow you." 

Together, they drive to Billy's house. Billy worked hard not to speed but knows he failed when Steve gets out of his car after pulling up along the curb. Steve steps out of his car, laughing like he hadn't ever thought to speed down those winding roads. Wanting to get out of the cold, Billy unlocks his front door with Steve almost pressed against his back. He feels the heat in his cheeks despite the chilly wind that blows around them. 

The inside of the house looks exactly like it was before Billy and Max left. Perfectly neat, Susan always dusting in her free time and putting anything moved back into its place. The only things left around are Max's skateboard, which sits against the wall near the door, and a few of Billy's books he'd left around. Steve takes an interest in the things around him, picking up a magazine that was on the coffee table, looking at the few photos of Max placed on the wall. None of Billy, though; Neil didn't bother with any family photos, only took one with Max and Susan a week after they married. It isn’t out, hidden away in Susan's room. Billy forces himself to move and not answer any of Steve's pointed looks at the lack of Billy's face in the house. It doesn’t matter. He wasn’t really a part of this family the moment his mom left. Billy stopped belonging if he ever really did before. 

He opens his bedroom door, and Steve steps inside, looking around. Billy thinks for a moment that he stops breathing but knows that's not true. Steve sitting on his bed is what really takes Billy's breath away. He plops down, jostling his pillows and blankets as he gets comfortable. For a moment, Billy watches Steve kick off his shoes, run his fingers through his hair, and lean back on his hands. He wants to push him all the way back, Billy thinks, wants to straddle Steve's lap, run his own fingers through Steve's hair, and kiss him. Steve would grip Billy's thighs, use them to pull him closer. It would be hot, their breathing heavy.

"So, your notes?" Steve asks, snapping Billy out of his thoughts. He moves to the dresser, stepping around the unopened paint cans, and picks them up. Swallowing down all his thoughts and feelings about Steve, Billy turns back around and tosses them to him. 

Smacking Steve in the face, Billy mumbles an apology and opens the notebook. The notes he's taken are a mix of his teacher's lectures and what's written in the textbook. Their teacher had made a throwaway comment about things in the book being on the test. Steve flips through it, frowning at Billy's writing, and shuts it, looking away. 

"What's with the paint cans?" Steve points at them, setting the notes aside. 

Honestly, Billy's forgotten his plan to paint a wall blue. It was darker than he had thought it would be, but that worked out. He'd hoped that the wall facing the window would be the best option. Even though the sun shined into his room, it stayed cold; he'd hoped the darker blue would help warm up his room in the early mornings and at night. Mostly at night, he freezes even with his blankets wrapped around him. It's a lot of work, and Billy doesn't really want to do it all himself. 

"I don't know, Steve, what are paint cans normally for?" He can't help the sarcasm that slips out, but Steve just rolls his eyes. 

"Ok, _asshole_ , but what are you going to paint with them?" Steve looks around the room as if trying to guess what needs to be painted black.

"I want that wall painted," Billy points at the wall and then joins him on his bed, trying to act casual about it.

"Do you want help?" Smiling, Steve looks at the mostly blank wall. 

Billy looks at him, questioningly, "What?"

"Am I not making sense?" He’s starting to sound a little bit like an asshole, and Billy likes it, "Are the words coming out of my mouth, not English?" 

"Says the shithead that's in chemistry again." Billy can’t help but mutter. 

"Like _you_ have room to talk." Steve snaps back. 

The smug smirk can’t help but take over his face. Billy can’t wait to throw how smart he is in Steve's face. He's sure Nancy has had a few choice words about him, she's not entirely at fault since Billy feeds into most rumors about himself. Tommy has kept Billy's age to himself, and surprisingly so has Carol. Her mouth is usually gaping open like a fish, just spewing out anything anyone tells her, yet she hasn’t told anyone about Billy being younger. It wasn't a big deal, but Billy liked to keep it to himself unless he was using it out of spite. Like right now, with Steve. 

"I'm a daisy fresh-faced seventeen-year-old," Billy jokes, "Chemistry is pretty much my only junior class, and that's because Cali schools are different." 

He shrugs like it's no big deal, but Billy is one hundred percent loving the shocked look on Steve's face. Most of the time, it annoys him; people thinking he's dumb because of the way he looks or acts, but Steve's laughter fills the air, and he couldn't care less. The dumbass falls back on Billy's bed, still laughing, and rests his hands on his stomach, looking up at the popcorn ceiling. Steve makes Billy feel stupidly soft, and he wants to curl up next to this preppy piece of shit.

"That's insane," Steve tells him, smiling big.

"Yeah, and Robin is a sophomore, so that should make you feel like even more of an idiot," Billy adds, causing Steve to snap up. 

"Are you shitting me?" He sounds upset and looks at Billy with big brown eyes. "Even your _girlfriend_ is smarter than me." 

Billy can't help but be annoyed now, "She's not my girlfriend. We're friends, that's all." 

Steve glances at him, eyes narrowing slightly like he's trying to feel out how Billy really feels about his and Robin's friendship. Billy isn't harboring a crush; if he'd wanted to date any girl, Billy's never had any problem getting them. Girls were easy for him. They never really meant anything, just a means to end whatever rumor started popping up about him. It's easy to flirt with people he doesn't like. He's smooth and hot, there wasn't much else he needed to do usually. Boys, he has a crush on are a whole other ball game that Billy doesn't even want to dissect. He's a complete mess when it comes to cute boys. 

"Do you want her to be?" Steve raises one of his brows with a smirk like he knew something. Too bad Steve seems to be an idiot. 

"Fuck off," Billy replies, getting Steve to laugh. "She's a _friend_. A friend that isn't my ex." 

When Billy feels cornered, he likes to throw things in other's faces; this time, it doesn't backfire. Steve just raises his hands in surrender and picks back up the notebook. 

"So," Steve draws the _O_ out, and his leg starts jiggling nervously, "If I like, help you paint your walls, can you tutor me?"

Billy isn't sure how to feel, and Steve seems to be able to see that on Billy's face, "If you don't tutor me that's fine, I'll still help you paint."

"My second class is a free period," Billy tells him, and Steve remarks that that's when his free period is too, "I can tutor you on whatever then, but I am not spending my weekend on school." 

He usually tries to get everything he needs done on weekdays, Friday and weekends are spent doing nothing. Billy doesn't want to stress about school on a Sunday. Steve seems like the type to either not care or stress. 

"We still have time to kill," Steve points out, "Want to go out and eat or something." 

Thinking of food reminds Billy that he wants to practice cooking. He had planned on taking the opportunity to try and make something in the cookbooks he bought. This seems to have dropped in his lap. Billy would get more practice and also feed Steve. Tossing that thought out of his head, Billy stands up, looking down at Steve. 

"I can make something." Billy cuts Steve off before he can protest, "Susan is shit at cooking, and I've offered to help out to save us all. I just need to practice." 

Nodding, Steve follows Billy into the tiny kitchen. The cookbooks rest on a countertop next to a loaf of bread, and together they flip through them. Steve insists on helping after they decide on a stew. Most of their time is spent arguing over how to cook chicken before Steve demands to be in charge of the chicken once they get around to it. Steve knows how to cook, unlike Susan. He had to learn, with his parents always away on business for long periods of time. 

"They couldn't hire a sitter forever," Steve doesn't look away from the potato he’s peeling, and Billy doesn’t ask him to elaborate on the lack of parents in his life. He doesn't have a leg to stand on when it comes to judging a lack of parental figures in people's life. 

"How did learning go?" Billy wants to know instead, imagining Steve almost burning his kitchen down. 

"I didn't burn anything." Steve started as if knowing Billy's train of thought, "It was some too cheesy baked ziti, but I like cheese." 

"You cook for all your girlfriends?" Billy forces out, trying to act normal while he moves onto the garlic cloves he needs to peel. 

Steve rolls his eyes at Billy's question, "Most of my past girlfriends didn't really care about my hobbies or shit like that. They liked the big empty house and my big fat wallet." 

He hates himself for thinking that he would like Steve for his personality. Even in his own head, he sounds like a fucking dumbass. If he could, he'd smack the back of his own head. 

"Nancy wasn't like that," Steve adds, still defending his ex. "She made me, I guess, not want to settle for that." 

To ask why they broke up is on the tip of Billy's tongue, and Steve seems to be braced for it. He doesn't ask, though, even if he wants to know. Nancy dumped Steve and started dating Jonathan, and Billy couldn't find one person who knew why. There were rumors, tons of them, because Hawkins is small and dull, and Billy stands next to the source. He wishes he didn't have a dumb crush, or really, Billy wishes he was still a gigantic asshole. Gigantic asshole Billy would have asked, not giving a shit about Steve's feelings. 

"What about your past girlfriends?" Steve asked, and Billy pauses for a second, not long enough for Steve to notice. 

"I don't date," Billy smirks when Steve looks at him. He can’t help the stupid way he licks his lips, like a fucking creep. Steve rolls his eyes and doesn’t ask for more, assuming Billy is a slut is better than knowing he’s gay, Billy figures. 

"Of course you don't," Steve mutters. 

They don’t talk for a moment, focusing back on the stew they’re making. Billy puts the pot on the stove and goes ahead and turns on the burner. Behind him, Steve leans against the counter, watching as Billy keeps glancing at the book and back at what he’s doing. He refuses to fail at cooking. If Billy could have at least one good meal a day, it'd be worth it. Luckily, Steve is willing to continue helping out and grabs butter from the fridge along with the chicken, which he cuts up. Together they work well, not arguing or fighting, unlike when they've played basketball. 

"Just watch," Steve says after Billy sets the vegetables aside and starts on the chicken. "Take notes, you seem to be good at that." 

"That's weird," Billy snarks, but continues watching what Steve is doing, "You sound like you're insulting me, and yet you seem to be benefiting from my note-taking." 

After Steve deems it ok, Billy adds back in the veggies, and some tomato paste that Billy bought without a clue what it was. Steve lets Billy take back over, and he stirs for a moment. Putting the lid on, Billy turns the timer on for thirty minutes and wonders what they should do now. Steve leaves the kitchen, and Billy figures he'll follow, not sure what to do now. 

"Your stepmom keeps this place weirdly clean," Steve comments as he sits on the couch. 

Max had to fight with Susan about putting plastic on the couch like she'd talked about doing. Billy doesn’t tell Steve that. He wants to explain why he thinks Susan stresses over cleaning, part of it because of control, the other part her insane mother, but Billy just shrugs. Susan stays out of his and Max's room, letting them live in their own filth if they wanted, just as long as it doesn’t tumble into any other part of the house, including the bathroom. Even Max, who huffs about most things Susan does, never complains about the almost obsessive cleaning. 

"Susan just has a war on dust, I think." Billy lazily draws out, and Steve snorts. 

The timer goes off about halfway through some tv show. Billy stands and quickly moves to the kitchen, eager to try something he'd mostly made on his own. Using the ladle, Billy groans at how good it tastes. A sound jerks Billy away from the stew, and he looks over at Steve, who dropped a bowl, causing it to shatter on the ground. Steve's cheeks were red, and they turned even redder when he bent to pick up the shards. He kept apologizing, and Billy is surprised that the stress isn't creeping him upon him like it would in the past. No itch to move as quickly as possible to get rid of the evidence took over Billy. This time Billy could laugh at a very embarrassed Steve and tell him to quit trying to clean up with his hands. 

"You're going to cut them," Billy walks to the pantry off the side of the fridge and opens it to pull out the broom and dustpan.

"Here," Steve takes the broom Billy offered. 

Not using the glass bowls that Steve found, Billy reaches for the plastic bowls that were in the cabinet with the other cheap plastic that Susan put all together. Steve apologizes again after throwing away the shards. He takes the offered stew that Billy pours him, and then they sit across from each other at the kitchen table. Billy feels like a stupid married couple as they ask each other about their weeks at school. Their conversation isn’t as stifled as Susan and Neil's was or anywhere as near-violent as Neil, and his mother was. All-day, it's been pleasant, and Billy desperately wants this again. 

"Hey," Steve says, drawing him out his mind. "Next weekend, you should hang out with me. I mean, Nancy and Jonathan will probably be around, but I can cook for you this time." 

Billy has to stop himself from agreeing before Steve has even finished talking, but he manages it. He prefers spending time with Steve without anyone else; Billy selfishly wants Steve all to himself, but he agrees. 

Dishes are left in the sink after finishing up, Steve helps Billy put the leftovers away, and Steve goes back to Billy's room for the notebook. Billy doesn’t worry about Steve peeking around, as he has a clear view of Steve's ass as he bends to pick up the notes off of the bed where he left them. 

"Don't want to change before we go?" Steve asks, and Billy swears that Steve snuck a peek at his ass before looking back up at Billy. He must be seeing what he wants to because nothing on Steve's face gave him away. 

"It's not like I'm going to be getting out of the car." Billy doesn’t feel like digging around for sweats in his room, not when the rest of his day will be spent doing nothing. 

They say goodbye, even though they are heading towards the same place. Billy doesn't bother slowing down, and when he pulls up to the arcade, Max is standing outside talking to Jane. She's using her hands as she speaks, and Billy is pretty sure this is the happiest he’s seen, Max. Too engrossed in her conversation, Billy turns down the radio and rolls down his window. 

"Hey shitbird," Billy calls out, getting all the kids' attention as they wait for their rides. "I don't have all day." 

Billy, in fact, did have all day, but Max didn't need to know that. She flips him off, not bothering to hurry at all, and hugs Jane goodbye. He wishes he'd been able to hug Steve goodbye and also wishes to purge his own fucking thoughts. Max gets inside the passenger seat just as Steve pulls in behind him. Using his rearview mirror, Billy looks back at Steve, who isn't paying attention, too busy getting Jane and another of Max's loser friends into his car. 

"I thought you said you didn't have all day." Max reminded him annoyingly.

He doesn't dignify Max with a response, just speeds off, causing Max to jerk back against her seat. Max curses him out, but Billy drowns her smart mouth out with the radio. No way is he going to let Max ruin his perfect fucking afternoon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to google to see if bowl cuts were ever in and i am disgusted to say that they were. i saw it was only in the 90s but it's not like i clicked on the link bc i will roast will's hair without any prompting like why do they do him like that?
> 
> -
> 
> not to bring real world issues into this but to bring real world issues into this i hope everyone is staying safe. if you're planning on protesting please make sure you are protecting yourself. no justice, no peace. #blacklivesmatter ✊


	5. narrator: billy did in fact gaf, he gafs a lot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy gets punched and throws a punch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my guys back by popular demand is all that gay shit
> 
> also i'd like to thank everyone for the support so far it means a lot
> 
> my beta is [ concretelobster](/users/ConcreteLobster/) a hero tbh

_ V: narrator: billy did happen to gaf, he gafs a lot _

Billy should have known that his day would end this way. Tommy had been quiet the whole day, ignoring Billy in their shared classes. All during English, Tommy didn't look back once at Billy, even while whispers happened around them. The teacher had to get everyone to shut up; Carol pouted the whole time when her name was personally called out. Billy didn't let his guard down and couldn't help but stiffen up more when the bell rang. Nothing happened, though. 

Steve showed up in their shared free period with Billy's notebook in hand and concern on his face. They sat hidden behind bookshelves at a table with a few chemistry books for Steve to look over, and the book Billy was using for his book report. He was going to try to work on it while Steve struggled with everything that Billy explained.

"Did anything happen?" Steve asked after pulling out his own notes. Billy was distracted for a moment when he opened the notebook and showed off his chicken-scratch handwriting.

"How can you read that?" Billy reached to grab Steve's notebook but got his hand slapped. " _ What _ ?"

"You punched Tommy," Steve pointed out like Billy had somehow forgotten. "Did Tommy do anything?"

"No," Billy rolled his eyes, "And I don't really give a fuck." 

Steve seemed to be thinking over if he should argue more or not, but Billy focused them back onto the topic at hand. To graduate, Steve had to pass chemistry or he'd be stuck in summer school. This idiot was already struggling in three of his classes and making up for years of not really caring. Billy hated himself for almost offering to write not only his own English paper, but Steve's as well. Boys make Billy want to do really stupid shit and he hates it. 

"Your notes are pretty helpful, honestly," Steve says, filling out homework that was due for tomorrow. "It makes more sense to me." 

Pride flowed through Billy, enjoying the fact that he was helpful. He ignored it in favor of looking through Steve's paper. Ignoring the fact that Steve said it was the final draft, Billy pulled out a black pen and edited whatever needed editing. Steve needed the paper for the next day, always waiting until the last second to finish his shit. Billy couldn't relate, already working on his final draft after getting it all perfect last week. 

"You know," Steve said, frowning down at the edited report that Billy handed back to him. "This is the nicest editing job anyone's ever done."

"Fuck off, princess." Billy muttered under his breath, "It's not like you are as dumb as you look, or act." 

"Wow, Billy," Sarcasm dripped from Steve's words, "Is this you trying to talk your way into my bed?" 

Billy forgot how to breathe for several seconds. The thought of Billy being in Steve's bed almost catches him on fire. It's too fucking hot to even think about it, Billy laid out on no doubt expensive sheets and shit with Steve hovering over him, pressing Billy down. He grips the pencil in his hand harder, refusing to look up at Steve. What if Steve saw too much in Billy's eyes? What if he saw the truth?

"You can stop freaking out.  _ I'm kidding _ ." Steve rolled his eyes, thinking wrongly. 

Steve still thought Billy meant the shit he said to Tommy. Probably knew that Billy was aware of the rumors going around school. Robin is most likely right about Steve being straight, only straight people are ever comfortable joking about gay shit. Billy wouldn't be caught dead making the same joke because what if someone took it seriously. One rumor could ruin his life. 

"It's not," Billy stopped trying to think about how to play this. Despite the terror inside of him, Billy didn't want Steve to think of him being shitty. He's tired of always acting like a tough shit, hardly even tried with Tommy. 

"I'm not mad, Billy." Steve watched him closely, still missing everything. 

Shaking his head, Billy started tapping his pencil against the table. "I don't really believe any of the shit these assholes think. They don't know shit." 

His mouth went dry at the thought of apologizing but choked it out anyway, "I am sorry for the shit I said at lunch. I shouldn't have fucking agreed with Tommy." 

Steve stared at him blankly like his mind hadn’t fully processed what Billy said. It didn't really matter; when the bell rang Billy moved briskly to avoid whatever followed. This apology was the best one he's probably ever given, and even though Steve wouldn't tell him to shove it, Billy felt the need to run. He didn't want to deal with the emotions that rumbled through him. Everything felt like too much. 

In his mythology class, Nancy kept finding a reason to look back at him. Steve obviously told his friends about their Saturday and how they’d spent it. Cooking together, it sounded pretty gay in Billy's head, but he doubted anyone would jump to that. Not with Steve at least. He counted this a pointless win since Nancy didn't glare at him when Billy threw on a cocky grin. He typically uses this grin to get whatever girl to blush and forget whatever bullshit they heard about him. 

Throughout the day, he spotted Tommy hovering around, talking with his other friends. Carol stood by his side, popping gum and looking bored. If they ever made eye contact Tommy's eyes would narrow and Carol would smile snidely. Nothing came out of the looks, and the day progressed without any dramatics. 

He skipped lunch to smoke under the bleachers and eat the packed lunch he made himself. The leftover stew was warmed up and poured into a thermos. Every day grew colder, but Billy didn't mind it for once, not since the stew warmed him up from the inside. He drank the coke that Max tossed at him that morning and let her try what he and Steve had made. She liked it and hesitantly asked for pasta that night. Billy shrugged, trying to play off the pride he felt because of approval from stupid fucking Max. 

Tommy wasn't thought about until basketball.

This time Billy was a shirt and Steve a skin. He wasn't sure how the fuck he was supposed to focus on the game when Steve's pasty white chest was glistening with sweat. Steve wasn't built like Billy, he didn't have thick thighs and strong arms, but Steve wasn't weak. Since they no longer had animosity against each other, Billy and Steve played better. The coach never had to blow a whistle at them. 

The coach did, on the other hand, have to bench Tommy. Billy felt only slightly nervous about Tommy being on his team. The dick didn't talk as Billy thought of a game plan, but made sure to try and knock Billy down every chance he got. Unlike Steve, Billy knew how to stand; he's had to practice outside of basketball. Who knew having Neil as a father would come in handy? 

Being better at this game than most anyone else on the team got the coach on his side. Billy tried to ignore the glaring he felt from Tommy. Steve was distracting enough, seeing as he was always there when Tommy acted up. He looked ready to join any fight that would break out on the court. A sense of gratefulness wrapped around his dumb heart at the thought of Steve having his back. 

Showering, Billy casually talked to Steve. He didn't bring up Billy's apology, probably afraid Billy would run out naked and covered in soap. Billy wonders if he would have. Steve was telling him how he spent lunch rewriting his paper while Nancy and Jonathan talked about internships they were looking at. 

"They are  _ really _ into journalism." Steve shook his head, water dripping down his neck, past his collar bone, and between his pecs. Billy swallowed and forced his focus back to Steve's words. 

"No college?" Billy asked, thinking Nancy would be the kind of girl to want to further her education. 

"No, Jonathan doesn't see the point in wasting that kind of money, and Nancy already knows what she wants to do," Steve told him, his head tilted back away from the spray of the water as he rinsed the soap off his body. 

"Oh," Billy choked out, getting back to his own shower. 

Distracted by thoughts of naked fucking Steve, Billy was the last to leave. Steve said his goodbyes knowing he needed to hurry so he could pick up Dustin. That reminded Billy of Max, who would no doubt huff and puff about Billy being late. He tossed his gym clothes in his backpack, needing to wash them, and stepped into the hallway outside the locker room door. 

Several hands gripped Billy and he has the thought of  _ I should have fucking known _ . Tommy appeared dramatically out of nowhere and punched him. Using the weight of his body, Billy managed to get one of his arms free and elbowed one of the pieces of shit that were holding him back, but it didn't matter. Whoever Tommy got to back him up weren't thrown by getting elbowed in the face. 

Every punch felt so fucking familiar, and he dissociated like he taught himself. The pain became a backdrop while he thought about Max sitting alone in front of his car, waiting for him. He hoped she didn't get it in her head to look for him. Billy didn't think Tommy was above hurting a fucking child. A knee to his gut had him dropping to his knees hard and without help. 

The hands holding him let go while Billy spat blood into the concrete. They got a sick sort of pleasure, knocking him to the ground and kicking. Billy shifted to the side as they mostly got his left side. A rough breath left his throat when they stopped, and Billy got back up on his knees, only swaying slightly. Tommy leaned in close, like he thought Billy wouldn't react, and Billy took that advantage. Lips close to his ear, Billy didn't listen to whatever Tommy whispered and gripped the popped collar of Tommy's stupid fucking polo shirt. He yanked him to the ground, ignoring the shouts and rushed movement behind him. 

As hard as he could, Billy punched and felt the crack of Tommy's nose under his knuckles. Tommy cried out in pain while his friends dragged Billy back and away. Blood was rushing down Tommy's face, and Billy couldn't give a shit. He watched them leave, all cursing at each other while Tommy kept shouting out in pain and anger. Using the white-painted brick walls to help him stand, Billy smeared the blood on his hands, staining it. 

Hunched over slightly, Billy walked with one arm wrapped around his stomach, gripping his no doubt bruised side. His backpack was held in his other free hand. Spotting Max before she spots him, Billy could see her mouth moving, no doubt cursing him out to herself. The sound of Billy's backpack falling, as he lost his grip on it, jerked Max's head up. Her face was twisted in anger at first before turning to shock. 

She moved faster than he thought, his name coming off her lips. Max's height didn't really help, but it didn't stop her from trying to get him to lean on his car. It was hard for Billy to breathe, but he knew it was out of pain and not because anything was broken. Cracked ribs and broken bones are something Billy's intimately acquainted with. He was only this affected because he's grown used to not feeling this almost every day. 

"Billy,  _ fuck _ ." Max almost fell with Billy as he slid to the ground. He was tired of standing and wanted to sit for just a moment. 

"Did you hit your head?" Her words were rushed as she spoke to him. "You shouldn't close your eyes if you did, I think." 

Billy hadn't really noticed his eyes closing and tried to open them. Max's breath was sounding close to a panic attack, and Billy couldn't deal with that on top of his own pain. He gripped Max's hand to get her attention as she wildly looked around for someone to help. 

"Just give me a moment." He needed more than one moment, but Billy can comfortably lie to Max. She nodded, her head still looking around, trying to find someone. 

"Stop, no ones here. It doesn't matter anyway." Billy told her, knowing that if Tommy opens his fat mouth, this will all be Billy's fault. It was one against four but it would turn into a one on one with Billy starting it. 

Max looked at him, brows narrowing and mouth turning down. 

"Yeah, it does." She argued and crossed her arms looking a little like Susan. 

"If I don't give a fuck, then you shouldn't." He could taste the blood in his mouth and turned away to spit. 

She muttered something under her breath, and Billy wanted to ask her to repeat herself. He didn't get the chance as a voice called out at seeing Max. Her stupid flaming red hair stood out in drab little Hawkins. Will came running over, not noticing Billy at first, too focused on Max's worried face. The kid stopped short and blinked down at Billy. He's sure he looked a mess. Bending down, Will got on the same level as Max and dropped his bag down off his shoulder. 

"What are  _ you _ doing here still?" Max asked. 

"I have to catch up," Will explained without bringing up his time missing. 

"Makes sense," Billy added before Max could ask more questions. He's heard her muttering to herself about all the shit that her loser friends are hiding from her. Susan tried to explain that they had a life before Max, but Billy kind of gets it. It sucks being new and not being  _ in _ on all the inside jokes and stories. 

"Are you walking?" Billy thought to ask, and he forced himself to sit up. Pain shot up his spine, but Billy reasoned he could ignore it long enough to get all of them home. 

"Yeah, Jonathan has work and so does my mom. I sort of," Will paused, looking a little sheepish. "I lied and told them Steve would give me a ride." 

Billy's surprised Jonathan didn't bring it up with Steve at all but figured he was distracted. Not caring about Will lying, Billy managed to get up and dig his keys out of his pocket. He didn't have to ask Max to get his bag; she picked it up and shoved it in the passenger seat without a complaint. Will climbed into the back seat after Max, and he could feel them watching every movement he made while speeding down the roads. 

Pulling into the dirt pathway to the Byers' home, Billy was pretty proud of himself for pulling through. He'd still got it and didn't even flinch once at swallowing down blood. Billy hates the way blood tastes; he figures most everyone hates the taste of blood, but with the taste comes memories. Memories he prefers to keep buried deep down. 

"Do you want to come in," Will leaned forwards from his spot in the middle to look at Billy. He must have been so distracted by Billy's beat-up look that he wasn’t so flustered to be in Billy's presence. "You probably want water."

He sounded like he knew what Billy was going through, and that left a chill down his arms. Will shouldn't know what it's like to get the shit beat out of him. Billy never picked on anyone younger than him, he was a real piece of shit and threw harsh words, but never fought anyone. The only person he ever got too rough with was Max, and those times were out of fear because she didn't get it. 

"I want some water." Max didn't bother waiting for Billy to agree and started shoving Will out of the car to get him moving.

With a groan, Billy got out of his car and followed Will inside. The Byers' residence was cluttered. Jackets were tossed on the back of chairs, Will's art supplies could be found in random places, and Billy's fingers itched to start cleaning up the few empty glasses that littered on the coffee table. Leading them to the kitchen, Billy saw that this room is just as lived in as the living room. Pictures of the family are all over the fridge, along with a few of Jonathan's photographs and Will's school work. 

The kid pulled out a glass from the clean side of the sink and turned the tap on. Max surprised him by getting ice, stressing that Billy hated room temperature water. If any water he started drinking got warm, Billy would add way more ice than an average person would. Will sat the glass in front of Billy, and both losers waited for him to take a sip. After he took a long one, the two relaxed and started talking about their school. 

Billy waved them off when he stood up, and they jerked to follow. He wasn't going far, just to get more ice and water. While Billy was in the freezer, he grabbed what looked like an old bag of frozen peas. It was covered in frost, and Billy doubted anyone would care that he pressed it to his face. Will somehow got Max to start on her homework, the two still watching Billy out of the corner of their eyes. 

"I'm not about to keel over," Billy said and shot a pointed look at Max. She's seen him look worse at the hands of his own father. Neil put him in the hospital more than once, and Max even signed his cast once writing  _ dumbass  _ in big blocky letters. 

"Where is your phone?" He asked Will figuring they might as well hang out, so Will wasn't alone. 

"Uh, it's on the wall in the hall," Will pointed to where it is. "Why?" 

"We might as well stick around," Billy shrugged, and Max perked up, "I got to call Susan to let her know." 

He called Susan at work. She was afraid at first that something went wrong, but Billy quickly explained what had happened. He didn't bring up getting fucking jumped, she'd see the evidence at a different time, and hung up. Bringing Max good news, Billy added she still had to do her homework. Will offered to help, pulling out his own work, and they quickly started with math. 

"I'll make snacks," Billy muttered and peeked into the fridge. 

Inside it was pretty stocked and he pulled out the giant bag of shredded cheese. Next to the refrigerator was bread and tortillas, Billy really wanted quesadillas, but knew Max only liked cheese on hers. Placing the buttered tortilla on the pan, Billy poured cheese on it and lost himself in the cooking. Every few moments, he'd stop to drink some water, feeling the taste of blood in the back of his throat. He doubts there was actually any blood, but Billy figures he was just overthinking it. 

He made three quesadillas and cut them into perfect triangles. Billy ate two, but the messy kitchen got to him and Billy started to clean up. Sometimes, he stopped to help the brats with their homework with Max, adding that Billy is a smart mouth-breather. Their homework was easy enough; even Max, who hates school, didn't find it difficult. She happily munched on her food with a pleased Will. 

"Thank you," Will said, eyeing the now empty sink. Billy had not only cleaned his mess but also all the dirty dishes in the sink. He then took his time putting everything up, including everything on the clean side. 

"Yeah, thanks, Billy, for the food." Max offered him the last one just to show she meant well and Billy was sort of touched. 

"Uh," A new voice broke the calm, and Billy stiffened at the sound of Jonathan's voice. 

Nancy was with him, standing off to the side, looking just as confused as her boyfriend. They were staring at Billy and he remembers his face along with the pain. Slowly, Billy stood, eating as he rinsed off the plate, trying to act as calm as possible. This wasn't weird, he was just letting Max hang out with one of her strange little friends and keeping an eye on them instead of leaving them alone. 

"You did the dishes?" Jonathan asked, but he's interrupted by Joyce Byers, who comes rushing in breathing hard. She spotted Will and reached to lift him up, squeezing him in her hug. Will was turning an embarrassing shade of red as his mom kissed his face all over. 

"Mom," Will groaned out, and Billy almost smiled. 

He misses that,  _ oh god, how he misses that _ . Max, on the other hand, was shooting Will a sympathetic look. Billy almost snapped at her but stopped himself. She didn't get it, and that's not her fault.

"You said that Steve was picking you up and then I called him and he had no idea what I was talking about," said Jonathan from behind Joyce with a brow raised. 

"I'm fine walking on my own," Will muttered under her breath, but Joyce rolled her eyes at him. 

"Who are you?" Joyce finally noticed him and her eyes quickly looked over his face. 

"We're in the same grade," Jonathan explained. 

"Well, sort of," Billy smirked and quickly turned into a charmer. He held out his hand for Joyce and she took it. Max made a gagging noise when he kissed her hand. "I'm a junior; got one more year."

"What?" Nancy said, looking shocked. Steve must not have mentioned that when sharing about their time together. 

"You always look like that," Joyce asked, her eyes slid away from his face and over to Max. "You must be Max." 

"Hello," Max murmured, never comfortable with other adults. 

"Billy gave me a ride home," Will quickly explained to his mom, "And stayed because no one was home." 

Joyce made a humming noise, and Billy stepped aside, letting Joyce pass by. She noticed, like Jonathan, her cleaned kitchen, with countertops smelling fresh and the sink empty. Will had his homework out and Joyce noted the third seat pushed out, where Billy sat helping. Billy winced when he moved too fast, bumping into a countertop and both Max and Will looked at him with concern. 

"Come on," Joyce motioned Billy to follow her. He hesitated for a moment but followed Joyce into the small restroom. 

She opened the medicine cabinet behind the mirror, pulling out the peroxide and a few cotton balls. Leaning against the bathroom sink, Billy watched Joyce pour the peroxide over the cotton ball and listened when she told him to sit on the edge of the tub. Bending down, she gently pushed some of his hair off of his face to dab at cuts and bruises. 

"What happened?" Joyce asked, not sounding judgemental like others would. "And with the way you're favoring your left side, I'm assuming I can ask you to take off your shirt without sounding like a creep." 

"It doesn't matter what happened. This is nothing," Billy was tired of repeating himself but he took off his shirt all the same. 

"Girls must be drooling over you," Joyce joked, shooting him an amused look. "You’ve got that bad boy vibe about you." 

Rolling his eyes, Billy thought about how, for most of this time in Hawkins, he's had almost model behavior. He hasn't had a reason to act out. It's a disturbing thought to have, him as some upstanding citizen, but at least Billy isn't preppy like fucking Steve. He'd die before wearing a polo shirt and a popped collar. 

"I'm not really into girls," Is what Billy hears himself saying. It slipped out without thinking, and Billy looked up at Joyce with wide, frightened eyes.

"I mean," He tried to back padel, but Joyce stops him with a kind smile and hand on his shoulder. 

"Oh,  _ honey _ ," She sighed out, and Billy couldn’t help the way his eyes closed when her fingers ran through his hair. Billy misses his mom so fucking bad. 

Joyce didn't say anything more; she continued applying first aid, so she opened the door to call out for Jonathan. Jonathan peeked in, with Billy trying very hard to keep his panic under control. She asked for Jonathan to get a little bag and fill it with ice. He did what he was asked and, when he returned, Will and Max stood behind him, trying to peek in. 

Billy wonders if Joyce had noticed the way her younger son's eyes couldn't stop flickering down to Billy's chest. Is that why she's alright with Billy; because of her son? Joyce told them to leave and had Jonathan help hold the ice against his side. 

"This should be enough to hold the ice," Joyce shook the bandage in her hand and started to undo it to wrap it around him. 

Jonathan didn't say anything, keeping quiet while Joyce worked. Taking a safety pin, she used it to keep the bandage together. He slipped his shirt back on, feeling a little out of sorts and wanted to escape, but Joyce didn't let him. She kicked her own son out and told Billy to keep sitting. 

"Did you get beat up for being gay?" She asked bluntly. 

"What?" The shock of his question caused him to go cold. 

"Is school going to be a problem? I'm sure I could get Hopper to help out," Joyce seemed to mostly be talking to herself, coming up with a game plan. 

"No," Billy said quickly, not wanting a fucking cop to know he likes it up the ass. "It was because I drunkenly punched some asshole at a party." 

Joyce's shoulders relaxed and she nodded, "Did he deserve it?" 

Billy snorted, "Yeah, he did." 

Joyce released him and Billy got up, going back out to join everyone else. Now that both Byers' were home, Billy told Max to pack up so they could head home. She did so quickly, telling Will she'd see him tomorrow. 

"Thank you for the ride," Will thanked Billy with a quick smile. The kid stiffened at Billy's hand, ruffling his hair, but he relaxed before Billy dropped his hand back to his side. 

"Before you go," Joyce caught Billy by the front door, Max already running to his car and getting in the front. "Can I ask a favor?"

Her arms were crossed across her chest, and she glanced back at both her boys. Will was answering questions that Jonathan was asking, and Nancy was smiling, watching the brothers interact. Some parts of Billy can see why Steve would like Nancy; she's pretty and seems nice if not a little stubborn, but who is he to talk.

"Can you watch Will after school?" Joyce asked, adding, "It doesn't have to be here. Jonathan will pick him up on days I can't." 

Billy figured Max would like one of her friends hanging around after school. Will seems like a good enough influence, he at least got her working on her homework. He wouldn't have to worry about leaving them alone either, which is a plus. Susan wouldn't care, Billy hopes. 

"Yeah sure," Billy agreed and Joyce kissed his cheek in thanks. 

"I'll pay you, I promise." Joyce waved him away when he told her she didn't have to. "Don't argue with me, now go." 

Driving home, Billy parks in the street, not wanting to block Susan from leaving in the morning. She's up when they are, but leaves earlier then they do. He doesn't feel like moving his car for her. Billy grabs his bag, wondering if Susan will say anything about his face. He bets she'll ignore it. Billy isn't really her kid, and he's positive he's kept around out of misplaced guilt. 

"Hey, have you two eaten?" Susan asks after getting a hug out of Max. 

Susan looks up at Billy and pauses for a moment. She pales like she did when she saw the evidence Neil would leave behind. Her mouth opens to say something, but in the end, she doesn't. Billy sighs, going to his room while Max explains that Billy made Max and Will food already.

He hates Susan sometimes. With his door firmly shut, Billy drops his backpack and reaches under his bed. Susan has done more for him than his own mother has but he hates her. At least his mother stood in front of Neil and the chaos that he ensured. She had her reasons for running. Billy remembers the number she left behind. He spent nights memorizing it before ripping the slip of paper into tiny pieces and throwing it away. After school, Billy would run inside knowing Neil was still at work and wouldn't know that he still had some connection to his mother. She'd pick up, and they’d talked in hushed tones. 

Billy remembers the day she quit picking up. He called, kept calling over and over, with tears spilling down his face. She said she was working on herself, so she could be a better mom for Billy. He wanted to leave Neil so bad. Neil had slapped Billy, hard, for his annoying hiccups, and left when his buddies showed up. The phone told him the number wasn't available anymore. He started a fight with drunk Neil that same night, getting him a trip to the hospital for a broken finger. 

Once the shoebox is in hand, Billy opens it and quickly grabs a lip gloss at random. His hands shake as he puts it on. 

His mom left, but Susan stayed and just watched. She watched with a pained look as Neil threw words and fists at Billy. He's cried in front of her more times than he cares for and she leaves with Neil, no glances back. He hates Susan and feels so guilty about it. 

Billy feels some sense of the word calm once the gloss is on his lips. His breathing is still kind of shaky, and the gloss kind of stings as it gets in the cut on his mouth, but Billy feels better. This stupid shit gives him the same comfort that Joyce did. She didn't freak out at him the entire time, and fuck he hadn't meant to come out to her. Joyce didn't get mad, no harsh words telling him he's a sick, perverted freak, only fucking kindness. 

Homework forgotten, Billy climbs into his bed, figuring he was far enough ahead that he doesn't have to give a fuck. His paper isn't due tomorrow, and he'd already done all his work for his second block of classes. Not forgetting, Billy uses his foot to shove the box back under his bed and turns away from the door. He curls into himself, ice forgotten, still pressed into his side, and falls asleep. 

-

Billy smokes before school. He's on his second one by the time he gets out of his car and drops on the sidewalk, using his boot to crush it. People look at him as he walks, staring at his bruised up face. His lip is swollen, an ugly purple bruise is spread out over his cheekbone, and one of his brows has a cut. What hurts the most is his side, and when people bump into him he shoves them away hard. 

"Shit," Robin says as he sits next to her. 

"It's not as bad as it looks," Billy shrugs and hides how he has to hold his breath to get out of his fucking backpack. 

Robin is watching, though and he ignores her looks at his labored breathing. Billy had barely gotten to class on time, so Robin doesn't get to call him out for lying. She didn't forget like he hoped she would and, as soon as they are out of class and free to talk in the hallway, Robin bombards him with questions. 

"When did this happen?" Robin starts. 

"After practice," Billy sighs, knowing that his thoughts of Steve distracted him. 

"I heard Tommy wasn't in. Officially someone broke his nose," Robin shares the latest gossip and Billy wonders where she even got this. 

"I get here early for band, moron," Robin explains with annoyance. 

"Whatever. Unofficially?" He asks. 

"Everyone thinks you finished what you started at the party," Robin lets Billy know, watching his face. 

"Fuck everyone," Billy mutters, thinking about Tommy and his pussy way of fighting. 

They split up and Billy heads into his English class. Jonathan sits next to him, entirely ignorant of the huffed annoyance of the girl who sat next to him before. He glances at him, looking Billy over, and reaches for the inside of his bag. Billy is surprised when a bag filled with money is dropped in front of him. He takes it before anyone notices, not wanting anyone to think that he is starting fights and selling drugs. 

"What is that?" He’s confused and not sure why Jonathan would be handing him money. 

"It's from my mom. She wanted to give this to you now instead of later," Jonathan talks like they are friends now. He supposes after their polarizing meeting he's thought differently about Billy. 

Billy shoves the money in the bag, figuring he'll use it for Will and Max. They could order pizza or some shit, maybe go rent a movie to watch after homework is done. 

"Also, I'm picking Will up," He adds, focusing back on the teacher who is writing on the board. 

Like the day before, Billy plans on eating alone at lunch, but that plan is interrupted. He is walking out of history with Jonathan at his back when Steve appears in front of him. Steve, who seems to forget that they are in the middle of a busy fucking hallway, reaches up and, with two fingers, gently touches his face. The hallway and everyone in it disappear for a moment. All Billy sees is Steve and his fingers as they brush a curl away and gently slide off his face. If he was a match, Steve just pulled him out and set him aflame, all with a single fucking touch.

_ What the fuck? _

"You look like shit," Steve says, forcing everything around him to come back. Everyone sounds louder and Billy quickly looks around to see if anyone else saw what just happened. 

"Still better looking than you, princess," Billy smirks. 

Steve insists on Billy sitting with him at lunch. They sit with their shoulders touching, Steve stealing pepperoni off the cafeteria pizza that Billy had bought. In retaliation, Billy grabs Steve's fancy fucking sushi that he made himself and dips them in the tiny container of soy sauce. Nancy is discussing the mythology test they have next week and she keeps getting annoyed. 

"I do not like being the only girl at this table," Nancy sighs out. 

Billy has been using Steve’s chopsticks to fight off the plastic fork Steve had equipped himself with. He keeps trying to take back his sushi, but Billy figures he’s owed it. Steve rips apart his pizza and eats the pieces he picked apart. They look like idiots and Billy knows they are acting like children but it’s nice not to have to put up a front for one moment.

" _ Holy shit _ ," Robin's voice says behind Billy and he looks back to see Robin staring at Steve. 

"I think you dropped your jaw," Billy remarks and motions her to sit next to him. 

"Yeah, yeah," Robin drops her sack lunch on the table and then drops down next to him.

"There's a girl," Steve says to Nancy, who shoots him an ugly look. 

Lunch goes over well, Robin talking to Nancy about school and books they both like. He tries to ignore every look Robin gives him when Steve does something that causes Billy's foot to twitch. It's insane to him that Steve isn't overthinking every fucking brush of their hands, or when Steve's god damned thigh presses into his own and then  _ stays _ there. No one can see but Billy feels it like a brand being pressed into his skin, leaving behind a mark of ownership. Then Steve's hand presses into his thigh that had started to jiggle, and Billy's mind almost oozes out of his brain.

This is too much and, when the bell rings, Billy jerks up fast, causing everyone to look at him. He tried to play it off and pulls it off enough that Steve walks him to his speech class. Technically, Billy knows that Steve is walking  _ with  _ him and not doing something fucking stupid like escorting him. Billy doesn't live in a book no matter how much he dreamed about a Mr. Darcy all day long in middle school. 

He doesn't spot Steve or anyone else he knows until chemistry. When he walks in, Steve is standing next to the lab table with Robin looking at him like he is an idiot. This dumb idiot is trying to explain that  _ Pig Latin _ is very much a real language before he spots Billy walking around him. Steve's entire body turns towards him, even letting his arms move closer when Billy rests his own on top of his notebook. 

"Hey," Steve says, smiling big, and Billy stares blankly at him. 

_ What the fuck is happening? _

"Yeah, whatever," Robin speaks for Billy, tired of Tammy glaring at her. "Go back to your girlfriend,  _ uck-fay ead-hay _ ."

Steve rolls his eyes, "She's not my girlfriend,  _ fuck head _ ." 

"What? sorry," Robin clicks her pen while she glares, "I only speak Pig Latin." 

"Are we in middle school?" Billy asks, looking at each of them. "Did I suddenly get dragged back in time?" 

"Shut up," Robin mutters. 

Before going back to his seat, Steve gives him a dumb soft punch against his shoulder and he sits next to a very annoyed Tammy. She puts her hands on him immediately. Steve shrugs out of her grasp, smiling with charm the entire time. He glances back at Billy and raises one of his brows, expressing how unimpressed he is with Tammy. Billy smirks and shrugs, acting as if jealousy isn't burning inside of him. Steve winks like he's in on Billy's fucking feelings and turns back around, focusing back on a chattering Tammy. 

"Huh," Robin leans closer to whisper, "maybe Steve isn't as straight as I thought." 

"What?" Billy shouts too in shock to remember that class has started.

"Are you confused about something, Mr. Hargrove?" The teacher asks as eyes snap towards him. 

"No," Billy lies because he is very confused about everything right now. "I'm good." 

-

Max is pouting in the car while Billy drives. Susan had wanted to take Max shopping for some clothes for winter but work came up. Instead, Susan passed the task to Billy, who only agreed, since he needed some new clothes too. Max is only pouting because she hadn't wanted to go shopping at all. It doesn't help that Billy is pretty sure she overheard what Susan requested of Billy. 

"If you could, try and make sure she doesn't pick out anything," Susan paused, looking away, unsure at what words to use. 

"Anything too  _ butch _ ," Susan settled on, not noticing the way Billy's fist tightened. 

Billy thinks of his struggles with his  _ own _ fucking style. The desperate want to be seen as pretty, feminine, and soft sometimes overwhelms him. Deep down he still feels like a man, Billy isn't like the transgender woman that passed so well Neil hadn't noticed. Billy's mom knew though, and he'd spent time with the woman. Billy never thought of himself as anything other than male; it's just that he had liked the sheer robe with soft pink fur trim she owned. 

It's not fair to Max that she shouldn't explore that side of her. As of now, Billy knows Max can get away with it. She's just seen as a tomboy, not some fucking freak fag like Billy would be seen as. It's not fair but most things in Billy's life aren't fair. 

Pulling into an empty parking spot, Billy gets out and ignores the slamming of his passenger door. Max walks inside the thrift store and glowers at the rows of clothes neatly organized. He follows her around, eyes skimming for himself, and frowns when she stops at the clothes that are obviously aimed at girls. It's very pink and full of colors that Max doesn't wear. She pulls out a few jackets muttering under her breath at the pink knitted sweater with a large white heart in the middle. 

"Max," Billy starts taking the offending sweater out of her hand and putting it back on the rack. "Susan isn't here."

She frowns up at him, "And your point is?" 

The attitude is uncalled for, Billy isn't acting like an ass. Hadn't even smacked her hand when she'd turned down the volume of the radio. He had let her pout all she wanted, never once making some sort of snide comment. Billy felt Max should be fucking grateful that she had Billy. No one else in her pathetic life would understand her frustration, not that he'd ever share that with her. 

"You are a dumbass," Billy sighs out and rubs his eyes to express his difficulty with her. "Susan isn't here, so just pick whatever the fuck you want." 

"Oh," Max blinks, looking at the rows of clothes and slowly starts to put everything back. 

Billy tells Max to find at least two jackets that will handle the upcoming ridiculous amount of snow that is going to roll in. He keeps sight of Max, her flaming red hair not hard to miss in the drab store, and looks at a thick green parka jacket with barely any fur around the hood. Billy figures it's good enough when Max checks in with him holding a smaller similar looking jacket and groans about matching. 

"I don't want to look like you," Max mutters but doesn't put the jacket back. 

"Why not?" Billy asks, giving her a confused look. "I'm hot as fuck." 

He keeps a straight face even when Max lets out a surprised laugh. They agree not to wear it at the same time, not wanting to hear how cute it is that they're matching. Billy can already see Susan's face. The utter joy that would shine through at seeing her daughter and pathetic stepson coordinating clothes together. He knows deep down he doesn't hate Max, but he doesn't need to fucking express that. 

Walking through rows of clothes, Billy pauses, feeling hot under his shirt. A sheer baby blue robe is wrapped around a stained mannequin with the strap wrapped around tight. The robe is obviously made for a larger woman and doesn't fit the tiny thin mannequin. Billy can tell that whoever owned the robe before took excellent care, not even the feather trim is falling apart. He can't stop himself from reaching out and touching it. It's pretty, Billy thinks, and he wants it. 

"Uh, Billy?" Max's voice has Billy jerking and almost knocking the fucking mannequin over. 

He turns around with a wild look he's sure, and looks at Max, who is holding a thick marshmallow looking jacket. It's neon and gaudy, but Max seems content with it. She also has a pair of boots, black, and punk, dangling from her fingers. Max glances behind him, shooting the sheer robe a bewildered look, and back at Billy. 

"Are you going to buy that for a  _ girl _ ?" Max asked, shock written all over his face. 

He almost laughs in her face because no, he isn't. Billy wants it for himself. Lounging around with a sheer dramatic robe, smoking a cigarette like he’s in  _ Breakfast at Tiffany's _ and waiting for his rich husband to come home. The price is discouraging, Billy doesn't have enough to get everything and this sheer robe, and no way in hell he could ask Susan for the money. It's not like Billy could explain that he wants it to feel pretty and elegant. Susan would lose her mind. 

Ignoring her question, Billy points at the boots, "What are those for?" 

Max tries to sell why she needs new boots, forgetting all about the robe and following Billy while he looks for another jacket. He grabs a thick bomber jacket with patches ironed on that mean nothing to him, and does the math in his head. Billy also needs better boots, but they don't have enough and Susan would probably think Max needs them more. 

Paying for everything, Billy gives Max some of the change and pockets the rest to add to his collection in the trunk. They toss the bags in the backseat, Max excited for her new boots, and get inside the car. It takes the car a few minutes to get warmed up so they sit listening to music, not talking to each other. Billy's thinking about the sheer robe and how a large part of him hopes no one buys it. He can't exactly fit that in his shoebox, but he can hide it in his closet somehow. 

"All my clothes are boy's clothes," Max blurts out. "The jackets and even the boots." 

She looks at Billy with big eyes, "Is that bad? Mom thinks it's bad. I don't know what  _ butch _ is, but it sounds bad." 

Billy doesn't want to get into any of this with Max. How does he explain any of this shit to her? That people don't like when boys step outside of boy shit, and girls stepped outside of girl shit. Everyone has a role to play in this stupid ass world, and when people try to do anything slightly different, it's a huge fucking deal. 

"Ignore your mom," Billy settles on, knowing it's about as helpful as saying nothing. 

"Neil used it," Max whispers, her body stiffening. 

Sighing, Billy can't believe the short amount of time that Max spent with Neil already fucked her up. He didn't even say anything to her. He knows if Neil has called anyone a butch, it was like some random ass girl that was probably wearing jeans or some shit. Max held onto it, though. 

"Neil's dead," Billy forces himself to say, readying himself to be the biggest hypocrite of them all. "Stop letting his words hurt you." 

Neil's hateful words fucking built Billy and haunt him in all Billy does. Max shouldn't have to live with that. Even if it's something as dumb as Neil calling someone else a butch. Max isn't butch, she's not a lesbian, she just has her own style that doesn't involve pink. Nothing is wrong with Max, and everything is wrong with Billy. Billy's the fucking homo in the family that Susan needs to be worrying about. Max is trying to figure out how to kiss that stupid Lucas kid. 

"Do your friends care?" Billy asks when Max still looks stressed. 

Max shakes her head, slowly tugging on the sleeve of her shirt. Billy has seen the clothes her loser friends wear and Billy knows Max still dresses like a girl. It's just not the flowery, glittery kind of girl that Susan wants. Jane is the only girl in Max's life that dresses  _ girly _ , and that is a stretch. None of her friends give a shit about her clothing and Max cares more about their opinions than Susan's. 

"If your loser friends don't have a problem, excluding Will," Billy shouldn't play favorites because they are all losers, but Will is less so. "Then there isn't a problem." 

"What if they start having a problem?" Max asks now. 

"If anyone says anything, punch them," Billy settles on growing tired of trying to make Max feel better, "Or I'll punch them." 

"Just," Billy starts and stops trying to think what he would have liked to be told. He can't even look at girl shit and not have some sort of mental breakdown. "Wear whatever the fuck you want, Max; no one really matters in the end. You have to live with yourself, so you might as well be happy or some shit." 

"Um," Max is looking down at her lap, smiling. "Thanks, Billy." 

"Yeah, whatever," Billy mutters and pulls out of the parking spot, the car warm enough to drive home. "I still hate you." 

Max laughs, "I still hate you, too." 

-

Billy hasn't been going to basketball practice for a week, which means he will probably get kicked off the team. For the first week, Billy spent his time in his car, smoking packs of cigarettes while waiting for Max and Will to finish whatever the fuck they needed to finish. He put in a cassette tape and usually just passed out, taking a nap. Neither Max nor Will ever question why he doesn't look like he's freshly out of the shower; they just get in the back of the car chatting away. 

The next week is different. Billy walks out of health, ignoring the rant the teacher gave about fucking before marriage, and is already lighting up a cigarette. He's walking through the snow, thinking about the stupid chains on his car's tires that Jonathan told him he needed. Billy is wearing the parka that keeps him warmer than the bomber jacket he got. Max enjoys her ugly puffy one better so it works out. They never match now.

His car takes a while to warm up, so he spends that time outside the car cleaning off the snow that sticks to his windows. Billy uses a ruler to get the fluffy snow off and ignores the way his hands feel like they're freezing up. Starting to work on the front window, Steve shows up perfectly dressed for the snow, including expensive boots. He's got his car keys in his hands and jingles them to get Billy's attention. 

"You know a scraper would work way better," Steve points out unhelpfully. 

Billy doesn't own one, why would he own one? He lived in a part of California that didn’t get snow. It's got a nice chill at night because of the ocean, but snow didn't happen. The ruler is working out better than he thought it would, and it's not like he is using it for school. Honestly, Billy is pretty sure that the ruler belongs to Max, who hasn't missed it. 

"What are you doing, not at practice?" Billy asks, ignoring the jab. 

Steve tells him to hold on and heads to his car. Billy watches him waiting like a fucking idiot, and Steve comes back, holding a scraper in his hand. He doesn't hand it to Billy, though; instead, Steve just starts scrapping the rest of the snow off the front window. He tries to help out, but Steve snatches the ruler out of his hand and holds it hostage. 

"I can do it," Steve says, moving from the front window to the sides. "And why aren't  _ you _ at practice?" 

Billy knows part of the reason is because of fucking Tommy. He doesn't have the energy to deal with Tommy and his stupid nose. It's not broken like everyone said, but Tommy won't shut the fuck up about it. At least he didn't snitch like Billy thought he would. The other reason is that he doesn't really like basketball. 

The only purpose for it so far is that basketball looks great on a college application, but Billy also knows that his grades are fantastic enough. In California, he did some volunteer work for the homeless and lied to Neil, saying he was going to drink. Neil was the kind of person to spit on the homeless before helping them out. It's their own fault for ending up where they were at and Billy was expected to agree. 

Billy figured that would look better on his application than basketball. He knows he should talk to the coach, but the man is desperate to keep him on. The coach would do anything to win, even bribe seventeen year old boys. He doesn't want to deal with that and would rather just get thrown off the team. 

"I'm thinking about quitting," Billy tells him honestly.

The car is still running and Billy wonders if the inside is warm enough yet. Steve is almost done with the windows anyway, so he opens the driver door to let the warm air blow out. They both get inside, and Steve tosses the ruler in the back, letting it drop to the floor without a thought. The scraper he sets in his lap, not caring about the bit of snow melting fast and dripping onto his pants. Together they struggle out of their jackets getting too warm and accidentally elbowing each other. 

Laughing, Steve runs his fingers through his hair and drops his head to rest against the seat. Billy is staring at how Steve's fucking smile just brightens up his whole god damned face, making him look even better looking than before. It's physically painful to watch because Billy wants to reach out and touch. Steve can reach out to touch all he wants; it means nothing when Steve touches him, but Billy can't. Billy can't wipe away the drop of water sliding down Steve's cheek because it's just an excuse to touch the stupid boy he has a crush on. Steve can because he's just trying to be helpful. 

"Why do you want to quit?" Steve stretches his legs out and waits for Billy to answer. 

"I've never really liked basketball," Billy explains, thinking about how Neil showed up to every game he played. The hand on his shoulder with Neil telling Billy that he was the best player on the team. "I just played for Neil." 

"Who is Neil?" Steve sounds lost, and Billy freezes up. He doesn't want to fucking bring up Neil. There’s too many fucking questions he doesn't want to talk about. 

"My," Billy stops and tries to start again, "He was my dad." 

"Ah," Steve sounds like he understands, but he doesn't. Steve hasn't a fucking clue how loaded the question he'd asked is. Billy feels cold even though he's sweating now. 

"If you don't like it, you should quit," Steve doesn't linger on Neil and Billy is thankful. 

"Wow, you give the greatest advice," Billy makes sure his voice sounds fakely genuine just to watch the annoyed eye-roll and fond smile appear on Steve's face. "You should be a school counselor." 

"Fuck off," Steve says, "I'd be the best damn counselor there ever was." 

Steve shows up every day after that, and Billy doesn't get why. He knows Steve likes basketball and is good at it too. Yet Steve sits in the car with Billy, just talking about stupid shit. They spend way too long arguing over the existence of aliens, with Steve thinking that he's pretty sure aliens are here now. He sounds so positive, looking almost haunted, that Billy just caves in and lets him win the argument. Steve gloats the entire time and lets both Will and Max know he won when they show up outside of the car. 

Billy is doing his best not to freak the fuck out. He doesn't want to over-analyze the time he had a cigarette hanging from his mouth and Steve pulling out his own lighter for Billy to use. It sounds like nothing happened, but Billy doesn't understand why after lighting it, Steve takes it from his mouth only to press his lips around where Billy’s just were. The way he takes a drag and insists on putting it back where he found it, fingers brushing across Billy's lips.

"He licked his lips after," Billy adds lying next to Robin, who is over at his house. 

The house is filled with people. It’s Saturday, and both Max and Billy have people over. Luckily, Susan only had enough brainpower to deal with Max's group of loser friends and Will, so he has his door shut with Robin stuck listening to him go on about Steve, who won't leave his fucking thoughts. Nothing about Steve is making sense, and Billy can't take it. "You should quit smoking. I heard it’s bad for you," Robin offers unhelpfully. Billy uses his foot to kick her in the thigh, and she pinches his calf in retaliation. 

"He's just so," Billy starts and then sighs, "He doesn't act like any straight guy I've ever met." 

"You act like every straight guy I've ever met," Robin fires back, refusing to entertain Billy's problems. 

"Yeah, that's my fucking point. I put up this fucking front, and Steve just casually tucks my hair behind my ear," Billy is desperate to get Robin to understand, "No one's done that for me." 

Robin shoots him a look, "You're telling me  _ no one _ shows you affection." 

Her question felt like a punch to his gut. It sounds so fucking pathetic, like he's dramatic because everyone receives affection. Billy hasn't had anyone play with his hair in any capacity since his mother disappeared. He's positive he hasn't gotten any sort of affection since his mother left. No way could he ask Neil for a fucking hug after having a rough day at school. Susan isn't his mother and acts too skittish around him to even pat his back. Is he just reading too into Steve's action because he  _ what _ , didn't get enough love in his childhood? 

Not answering fast enough earns him concern from Robin, who climbs up onto the bed next to him. She looks down at him, her hair that she cuts herself framing her face. 

"Billy, are you like," She looks away trying to find the words. Billy doubts he'll be offended by whatever the fuck she says. "Do you want a hug?"

"What?" He asks, lost. 

"A hug," Robin says slowly like he's dumb. "You know when a person wraps their arms around another person. Do you want one of those?"

"Fuck off, I know what a hug is," Billy wants to be touched by Robin's kindness, but it kind of just makes him feel sad. "And no, not right now. Ask me later." 

They drop the topic of hugs and Steve and get back to work on their Spanish project. Unlike Max's friends, Robin has to leave; she's got a job at an arts and crafts shop and she's late. The couple who own it are real hippies and Robin is convinced it's a front for drugs. Nothing insane, just fucking weed, which would be great. He's feeling real high strung as of late. 

Billy spends the rest of the time in his room and is not disturbed until close to dinner. A soft knock on his door has Billy standing up, discarding the book he was reading, and opening his door. On the other side is Will and the cop’s fucking kid, Jane. Unlike Will, Jane doesn't seem nervous, knocking on his door, holding a folded-up board, and wearing a princess crown. He's surprised that skinny twerp, Mike isn't hovering behind Jane breathing down her neck. 

Will is also dressed in a costume, his is a wizard look, and he's holding a worn notebook. He glances over Billy like always and peeks behind Billy into his room. Billy knows nothing gives away the fact that he's a raging homosexual, but he also knows that like recognizes like if Robin is anything to go by. No way did they just connect by chance; they both knew deep down they were queer just like he knows Will is. 

"Uh," Will starts and never finishes. He looks over at Jane, shooting her a look that reeks of  _ are you insane _ ? "This is a dumb idea lets just go back." 

"What's dumb?" Billy asks, crossing his arms over his chest. He wants to know why Will and Jane were knocking on his door. A guess would be that they wanted him to play their game with them. 

"No, it's not," Jane tells Will and adds in a hushed tone, "He already knows why we're here anyway." 

He hears what she says, and even though it makes no sense how she would know that, Billy chooses to ignore it. Billy lets his door fall more open, and both Will and Jane follow him inside. Jane shuts his door behind her and they sit on his bed, leaving Billy to sit on his floor. He doesn't need to be sitting on his bed with two fucking kids. Billy's sure it's weird enough that they're in his room anyway. 

"None of your loser friends want to play?" Billy questions Will as the boy can't sit still. 

"They're not losers," Will defends his friends like he always does. 

"They don't want to play," Jane says, glancing over at Will as she talks, "Were older now so we shouldn't play dungeons and dragons." 

Billy gets defensive fast. He may have never played this fucking game, Billy spending his middle school days walking on eggshells around Neil and trying to ignore the fact other boys made his stupid dick wet. Parties, drugs, and girls who thought he was hot also somehow made his radar as he tried to act normal, and doing things like playing board games slipped by fast. Will shouldn't have to fucking grow up yet. 

"What did Max say?" He wants to know if he needs to shit on her later for being a shitty friend. 

"She wanted to play on the Nintendo Dustin brought over," Will answers. 

Max loves her video games, and Billy figures she'd be here with these two if Nintendo wasn't involved. She's always trying to get Susan to buy her a fucking handheld game. Billy figures he can cut her some slack since Susan sure as shit isn't about to buy something she deems is just for boys.

"Whatever," Billy can't believe he's about to agree to play this nerdy fucking game. "I'm not wearing a costume." 

Jane lets out a sound of happiness, and Will smiles big. They both join him on the floor and Will sets up while Jane calmly sits next to him. Billy still thinks she's kind of weird, but he figures if she picks Will over her other loser friends, she can't be that bad. Crossing his legs, Billy gets a crash course in this game with Jane reassuring him that she too is pretty new to all this. 

"My father never let me play games," Jane freely shares and Will gives her a sad look. 

"Hopper's not your dad?" Billy askes, doubting the cop was also a piece of shit; he didn’t give off any sort of abusive asshole vibes. 

"No," Jane says, looking down at the board frowning. 

He's about to offer information about himself he really doesn't want to. These two kids are Max's friends, and he's heard her talking to them over a fucking walkie talkie. They communicate regularly and he doesn't need Max storming into his room one day filled with questions she should already know the answers to.

"Neil," Billy forgets he thinks of Neil as everything but dad, "My dad was an asshole too." 

"Yeah, mine too," Will offers. 

Billy can't believe he's the leader of this daddy issues group, but this gets Jane to stop frowning. He figures it's fine in the end that the two kids with fucked up dads found Billy. Who else could handle complicated relationships with their dad like Billy could? 

The campaign starts with Jane as a princess elf who is apparently a badass rogue and Billy a singing bard. He feels like he got the raw end of the deal but goes along with the story Will made up. Twice Billy has to give up his stance not to take an option when Jane refuses to budge from whatever stance she's decided on. The girl is fucking stubborn but always heals him when whatever choice he makes turned out to be wrong. 

"What happens if I fucking die?" Billy asks, thinking about Jane and her so far lucky dice rolling. "Can I go on as a ghost? Do I get a ghost lute?" 

Will starts laughing, and Jane joins in. He's sure the thought of a ghost lute is funny, but Billy doubts he'll be much help as a bard if he can't make fucking music while dead. He's asking the important questions here, but Billy still smiles, glad that they can't tell how badly Billy would rather be doing anything else. It's not horrible, but Billy has almost offered to fuck so many fake characters in this game and has to remind himself that Will and Jane are kids. 

Eventually, the rest of the losers come looking for their friends and freak out at finding them in Billy's room. Max is the only one who seems unconfused by it and even wants to know how badly Billy did. She's a little annoyed he's alive so far, since her character dies often. 

"Do you become a ghost?" Billy still wants to know, and Max nods. 

"A ghost with ghost knives," Max answers, completely serious, she gets it. 

"What's your secret to surviving?" Steve's little fanboy asks. He knows Dustin is slowly getting used to Steve hanging out in Billy's car, waiting for Dustin after school.

Dustin was a dramatic little shit when he first spotted Steve in Billy's car. He acted like Steve ripped his heart out and stomped all over it. Loudly, he complained about betrayal and that nothing could be done to fix this. It was a lie because the next day, they greeted each other with a stupid fucking complicated handshake that had Max and Billy looking on in horror and Will rolling his eyes. Whatever Steve and Dustin talked about in private had Dustin trying to be civil for the most part. 

"I just listen to her," Billy jerks his thumb to Jane, "She's a stubborn little shit."

Jane perks up, all proud of herself, and Will laughs. Billy isn't afraid to lower himself and argue with a fucking child, and he did so with both Jane and Will. It's insane that Will came up with this entire story himself and, despite how very for children the story was, Billy thinks Will could go places with his storytelling. He could make children's stories or some shit. 

Parents eventually show up to pick up their children, and Jane doesn't hesitate to give Billy a tight hug. Billy doesn't know how to feel about it and worries over the stink eye that Hopper is shooting him. He isn't sure if it's about his kid or if that's just Hopper's face. Will's hug is more shy and quick. The kid doesn't linger before quickly running to Jonathan, who watches without a thought. 

Max hovers in his doorway before going back to her room, tugging at the sleeve of her shirt. He waits for her to open her mouth and moves back to lying on his bed and reaches for the book he was reading. Growing bored of her shifting from foot to foot, her presence starts going from hovering to darkening his fucking doorway. 

"God, Max, what?" Billy snaps at her. 

"Next, time can I join in?" Max blurts out, not looking at Billy. 

"You could have joined in before," He points out because it's not like he put a sign on his door that said  _ Max's not allowed _ . Although, if he really thinks about it, he never told Max she was ever allowed in his room. 

"Oh," Her voice is small, and Billy doesn't like that. 

"Just join next time. I don't care. We can be ghosts together or some shit. You're the only one who gets ghost weapons," Billy sounds annoyed at having to reassure her, but Max sees through him. 

"It's so dumb it's cool," Max smiles when Billy shoots her with dumb finger guns. God, Steve is a bad influence. 

"Exactly," He agrees and then frowns at her, "Now get out and don't forget to  _ shut the door _ ." 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Fuck you too, Billy," Max says, leaving the door wide open behind her. The fucking bitch, Billy thinks, almost fondly, as he's forced to get up and shut his own god damned door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three things 
> 
> one i am a s l u t for those sheer robes with those like feather trims and would like to own one myself so i projected that onto billy. 
> 
> two i was 100% that dumb kid who went to friends houses and just ended up hanging out with their older siblings, idky this happened but it did.
> 
> and three i had to google pig latin bc idk tf how it works i'm not some nerd (jk i am a nerd but not that big of one lol)


	6. who is trauma? billy doesn't know her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy's day goes from bad to good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i am here and queer and ready to just start off this chapter with sadness like the kind person i am
> 
> warning for abuse and mentions of past sexual assault
> 
> my beta is the amazing [concretelobster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConcreteLobster/pseuds/ConcreteLobster) who has to put up with my zero schedule in all things

_VI: who is trauma? billy doesn't know her_

Billy wakes, not remembering his dream, but his body shakes, feeling cold and terrified. His palms are sweaty; the sheets underneath him also gross and wet. Sitting up in his bed, Billy glances at the banged-up digital clock and sees the red 4:00 am flickering on and off. Billy looks away, staring at nothing as everything blurs together, making odd shapes that he can’t comprehend. Hands wrap around his throat. Billy doesn’t move, his temperature changing dramatically from cold to hot. The fear only grows, but Billy doesn’t move as the fingers tighten around his throat, stopping the air from reaching his lungs. 

A bang on his door has Billy jerking away like someone tried to hit him, and he painfully gasps for air. Max's voice on the other side of the door is shouting at him, but Billy can’t hear. Her voice sounds muffled to him as he clutches onto his comforter. Eventually Max walks away, and Billy still can't move out of his bed.

The clock mocks him, flickering on and off before 6:15 am settles and doesn't disappear, not even when another minute goes by. The thought of standing, dressing for school, and driving Max to school feels daunting. His body too heavy to move, weighed down by nothing and everything. 

Max is banging on the door again, and Billy realizes he's lost time again. They’ll be late, Max's words are finally clear and annoying like normal. Anger tries to take over the numbness that has settled since he could breathe, but it isn't enough. It fades away, leaving him just as quickly as it appeared. Slowly, Billy gets out of his bed, unsure how he can walk, but does so anyway. As he passes his mirror, Billy can see the curly mess his hair is as it was left to dry without any care the night before. 

Pulling on his clothes, Billy tries to rub the blush off his face from his night of weakness. Susan was just as stubborn as her daughter and wouldn't quit buying makeup. In her desperate need for Max to not be Max, Susan bought blush, eyeshadow, and a black liner. 

"For practice," Susan said, knowing that the makeup she'd bought isn't appropriate for her daughter. 

Max had taken it, only to dump it onto Billy's bed. She'd left with a comment to give it to the same girl he'd given the lipgloss to. If Max paid any attention to Billy, she would have seen how he froze, looking an odd mixture of panicked and pleased. Like all the makeup before, Billy had shoved it into the shoebox that was slowly getting too full. 

Once the sun went down, he had put the pink blush along his cheeks, on his nose's tip. In the night, Billy thought he looked beautiful, but now in the light, Billy hates himself. The hatred quickly sinks underneath the numbness and seeps inside him. Rubbing his cheeks again causes his face to turn redder, not helping his intended goal of hiding the fact that he’s wearing makeup. 

He opens his door, Max's voice sliding over him as she complains about being late. An insult about his looks is thrown at him, but Billy doesn’t care. It seems like nothing can get at him, not Max's voice or the wind's cold bite. Max tries to burrow herself into her jacket, wanting to get warmer but failing. Climbing into his car, Billy turns the engine on. His car isn't ready for the cold, but they don’t have time to wait for it to warm up. Even with the snow, he drives recklessly, swerving more than once, and idly, Billy wonders what it would feel like to crash into one of the many trees they pass. 

Would the numbness go away? 

Max shouts his name, breaking through, and Billy feels his mouth open to apologize but isn't sure is words came out. The parking lot is almost full, but he finds an empty spot. 

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Max asks as she gets out of the car, sounding just like she did in California. 

He turns his car off but doesn’t get out. _What is wrong with you?_ The voice isn't Max's though; it’s Neil's. Billy pulls a pack of cigarettes out from the glovebox and knows that isn't right. Neil never said that, he'd never asked what was wrong with him. Why would his father care about that? No, he’d shouted that something was wrong with Billy. That what he was feeling and doing was disgusting and sick. 

"You fucking little boys too?" Neil shouted on the last night they’d ever spent together, and Billy had flinched hard. 

"I don't like children," Billy's voice was small as he'd stood in the living room of their house. 

Susan stood to the side, her back against the wall watching with fear. She didn't step in though; she’d never stepped in. Not even when Billy was left bruised and bloodied. Susan just walked away, following Neil. 

"I like men," He tried to explain, liking the same fucking gender didn't mean he wanted to touch kids. Billy could feel the anger underneath the fear, which was never the right combination for arguing with Neil. The anger always slipped through, Billy unable to keep it down for his own fucking safety. 

The backhand hurt, but the knee to his gut hurt worse. Neil looked proud of forcing Billy to his knees, making his son look up at him. Billy clutched his stomach as if that would somehow stop the pain. 

Billy had gotten careless; he'd gotten so fucking stupid, and forgotten about Neil and his friends. The cop ones that raided a fucking queer bar under the guise of a drug bust. Billy had been pressed up against a wall in a dark part of the bar by a guy older and larger than himself. The guy had whispered in his ear, wondering if Billy knew how pretty he was, and he never had anyone ever told him that. When the cops burst through the guy ditched him fast, and Billy cursed him out as he quickly fixed his jeans, still hard and hot. 

In his attempt to escape, Billy had gotten caught by one of Neil's fucking cop friends. Then, Billy had had a busted lip, a bloody nose, and was clutching his stomach. 

"You like fucking men, huh?" Neil spat at him and Billy used his hand to wipe it away. 

"No," Billy started, unable to stop the mistake that tumbled out of his mouth, "I don't like _fucking_ men." 

It took a moment for Neil to catch on to what Billy was saying. Billy wasn't the _man_ ; he wanted to be soft and cared for, not making any decisions other than yes or no. When Neil caught on, Billy was yanked up only to get punched once, then twice. 

"You sick fucking faggot!" Neil's voice was loud; Billy was surprised the neighbors didn't make a complaint. 

Why is getting fucked always worse than doing the fucking? It doesn't make him a girl all of a sudden, he's still a male, not that it even matters. Who the fuck cares if Billy likes getting fucked by other men. His father did. Neil might have excused Billy shoving his dick inside another guy, but Billy getting some guy's dick shoved inside him? Neil was furious.

Billy gripped onto the fist clutching his shirt while Neil lost his fucking mind. Still in the background, Susan stood, but she no longer looked and Billy wanted to shout at her. Did he deserve this now; since he's a _faggot_ , this changes everything? Instead of sadness and pity, Susan couldn’t even look at him. At that moment he hated her just as much as he hates Neil. 

He wanted to scream, Billy always wanted to scream, but it was eternally caught in his throat, afraid to be let out. Now he could barely keep his head up enough to fucking care about his fear. Everything hurt, and yet nothing hurt. Billy felt almost out of his body, watching as he dug himself into a deeper and deeper grave. 

"Yeah, I'm a fucking faggot, and I _love_ it." Billy gave Neil a very complicated lie, but in that very moment when Neil was breathing hard his face a hot flushed red, he meant every fucking word he'd pushed out.

Neil's face went eerily blank at Billy's confession, said with pride and a twisted smug look. Billy was pulled closer to his father, fear rapidly charging back up inside of him. It felt as if time stopped for hours, but only a minute passed before Billy was thrown back. His body tensed up, knowing where he was about to land and unable to stop himself. 

A fist hitting the window next to his head has Billy flinching out of his memories. He no longer sees the cheaply furnished living room that was always just behind him, haunting him like a ghost that disappears when he turns his head to look. Steve stands at his window, holding his lunch in his hand, and Billy starts to feel the edges of panic. He never went inside the school.

Steve walks around to the passenger side, where it’s never locked, and climbs inside the car. He curses because it’s cold inside. Billy doesn't remember turning off his car. The cold still doesn't reach him; Billy's mind too preoccupied in keeping the panic down until he is alone. 

"Billy!" Steve's voice is loud like he's been trying to get Billy's attention for a while. 

"What?" Billy snaps and regrets it the moment Steve flinches away. 

He wants to take it back and try again. Billy can feel the person he was when Neil loomed as an ever-present problem. Neil could sense weakness from Billy from miles away, and Steve was becoming an ever present weakness, and, even though Neil is gone, Billy feels the need to push Steve away to protect him from nothing. No one would hurt Steve just because Billy paid attention to him. Billy has to remind himself that. They’re both safe from Neil's bullshit. It's not like he can fucking haunt him or some shit. 

"Your lips are blue," Steve eyes quickly look him over, his lunch entirely forgotten and his full attention on Billy. "It's cold, Billy, turn on the car." 

The keys are still in his hand, but he can't lift his arm; he can't do anything. Billy isn't sure what is wrong with him, maybe he's broken, but Steve seems to realize that something is really off. Steve moves, making sure his hands are seen by Billy and grabs the keys out of Billy's hand. He turns the ignition on, the car rumbling to life, and Steve shoots the vents towards Billy. Once the heat brushes over his skin, Billy starts to shake, realizing that he was fucking freezing. He can see his breath in the air and watches it swirl away in the car. 

"Jesus, Billy," Steve mutters, watching Billy violently shaking now, his teeth chattering and hands shaking. 

Getting drunk sounds like a perfect idea, but Billy isn't sure how he could get any alcohol; Tommy isn't his friend anymore. Steve surprises him by putting the knitted hat he was wearing onto of Billy's head and he even unwraps the scarf from around his neck and wraps it around Billy's. Billy still feels so fucking cold. 

"Can you drive?" Steve asks while gently grabbing Billy's hands and putting the expensive gloves he owns on them. They are ridiculously soft and pull Billy somewhat further out of his head, enough to answer the question asked of him. 

"I'm," He starts, glad he doesn't sound angry, "No, I don't think so."

"Ok, ok," Steve sounds stressed, and his face is twisted in worry. "I'll drive, we can go to my house for a while."

Billy nods, "What about your parents?" 

"Dad's on a business trip and mom's in New York for some art show," Steve shrugs. "We should hurry before some teacher comes out here and catches us." 

They switch sides, Billy still shaking as he drags his feet through snow and back inside his warm car. Steve is sweating; the car is so warm, but he doesn’t complain. Carefully, Steve pulls out of the parking lot, his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel and his eyes bouncing from the road to Billy. 

The drive to Steve's house is spent in silence. Steve eventually turns on the radio, but he keeps it quiet. Outside, the houses slowly change from the upper-middle class to stupidly rich, and Steve doesn’t seem phased by any changes. He doesn’t notice the apparent divide in class like Billy does. 

Steve parks outside his house and waits for Billy to move before turning off the car. Billy feels him follow close behind, the warmth of his body cutting through the layers of clothing he’s wearing. Together they walk to the front door and Steve quickly pulls his keys out of his jacket pocket and unlocks the door. The house is warm and Steve flips on the lights as he passes them, leading Billy to stairs. As they pass rooms, Billy notices how every room looks professionally decorated, with expensive art pieces hanging on walls or taking up space. They pass two twisted looking sculptures and canvases with paint thrown across them. Billy doesn’t doubt that everything is insanely expensive. No part of him can picture a child Steve, with sticky hands and chubby cheeks, running around this house. 

Walking inside Steve's room feels like walking through a whole other dimension. Expensive art doesn’t hang on walls, instead posters of shitty bands do, along with grainy photos of his friends and a few of Will’s drawings that are pinned in random places. The floor has clothes just tossed in random places like Steve had tried them on and decided he wouldn't wear them and just dropped the clothes on the ground. Curtains that hide the view of the pool are firmly closed, letting no light in, and Billy peeks out through them as Steve puts on a show of cleaning up trash and clothes. He mostly just moves things from one spot to another. 

From Billy slowly pulling off the hat and gloves and Steve throwing himself back on his bed, Billy realizes he’s in Steve's room. Steve leaves enough space on his bed for Billy to lay next to him. His current reality cut through the fog he was in, and Billy feels nervous. In his own room, Steve leaves Billy with some sense of control; Billy calls the shots in his room, ensuring nothing out of the ordinary would happen, but Steve now has the power. This is his room, and Billy might have to walk on eggshells to ensure he doesn’t expose himself. Carefully, Billy joins Steve on the bed, keeping himself far enough away from Steve to not touch. Steve doesn't seem to notice and just turns his head to look at Billy.

"Your lips are no longer blue." Steve points out, turning onto his side and resting his head on his propped up arm. "Your cheeks are still pink, though." 

It takes all of Billy's strength not to run out of this house and never look back. Steve just thinks he’s still cold, but if he questions further… Billy doesn’t have a lie prepared. He could blame Max, but she wouldn't back up his story; Max would take joy in embarrassing Billy, but this would be worse. He could wind up in some fucking conversion camp shit and if Neil couldn't beat the queer away, then some stupid fucking camp can't. Who knows how long he would be stuck in a place like that. 

"Fuck off," Billy mutters, rubbing his cheek, feeling annoyed and impressed that the blush has lasted this long.

Steve laughs, rolling back onto his back. Billy watches him do so, eyes focused on the exposed skin where his shirt rode up. Unlike Billy, Steve's stomach isn't as defined, but he does have hair that trails below his jeans, and Billy quickly looks away, knowing that line of thought could lead to problems. Looking up at Steve, Billy swallows when he realizes that Steve saw the way Billy fucking checked him out. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ , Billy thinks, wondering if he could survive jumping out of the second story of a house. If he's lucky he might land in the pool that would no doubt be freezing. 

"Are you," Steve starts then stops, and Billy prays that the question isn't _are you a fag?_ "You must have been sitting in your car for hours." 

What Steve is really asking is why. He wants to know why the fuck Billy had sat in his car without the heat on, just freezing to death. Billy doesn’t know how to answer without just dumping all his bullshit onto Steve, who doesn’t deserve that. What Neil did wasn't a big deal, really. He'd met other dads who agreed that Billy just needed a firmer hand, that since he was a man, he could take it. Schools talked about abuse, but mostly focused on sexual abuse, and Billy didn't need any advice on dealing with that. No one touched him as a kid. Desperate women with boring husbands didn't start touching him until he was older, but it's not abuse. Neil would laugh when Billy talked about it, and Susan would just shake her head in disappointment at those women for trying to step out on their husbands. None of this would be anything Steve would want to hear. 

He doesn’t have a good enough lie, though. 

"I was thinking of my dad," That isn't a lie and it’s as close to the truth as Billy figures he'll ever get. 

"For like, four hours?" Steve asks, and Billy shrugs, "Were they good memories, at least?"

Billy isn't sure he really has any _good_ memories of Neil. There were a few moments of peace, of Neil bonding with his son over hot women that Billy didn't think were hot, and basketball, a sport he didn't like. Even then, Billy was always ready to brace himself for an attack if he said or did the wrong thing. 

"No," Billy clenches his fist, knowing more is about to spill out of his mouth, "I don't think I have any good memories of Neil."

"Oh," Steve says softly, the word sounding more like an exhale of breath than anything else. 

"He hated me," Billy admits as he starts to feel like he did when he was in the car. His brain wants to just replay images in his head and not stay focused on Steve, who keeps moving closer and closer. 

"I think my dad hates me too," Steve shares as their shoulders now press against each other. Billy can feel the heat Steve's body is giving off, but is too lost in his own fucking head to freak out about it. "Or he at least doesn't like me." 

"Why?" Billy asks, glad to be off his life for a moment, and it’s an excellent chance to learn more about Steve. Billy has never been more parched for information on Steve. 

"My dad is a businessman," He rolls his eyes at the word, "He's high up in some company and is on my ass about getting into a good school, but I've never been good at school. I sure as hell don't want to do what he does." 

"What do you want to do?" Steve sighs dramatically at Billy's question and moves his hands off his chest and next to his side. 

It feels like someone snapped a rubber band against his skin. Billy becomes utterly aware of himself. The back of Steve's right hand brushes against Billy's left one and Billy imagines what it would feel like for their fingers to intertwine. He can’t help the flexing of his hand, causing his fingers to press against Steve's. This action doesn't cause Steve to move his hand. He acts like nothing was out of place, but Billy feels a thrill at getting away with the way his stupid pinky finger got to push slightly between two fingers. He quickly pulls away, but Billy feels more in the present than he has all day. 

"I have no idea," Steve answers, "I'll probably just get a summer job, or maybe I'll get into some college and do exactly what my dad wants." 

"What about you?" Steve asks, "What do you plan on doing after high school?" 

"College," Billy answers right away, "I'm already looking into scholarships and I'm going to pick a school away from here." 

Billy has no desire to stick around, desperately wanting to get away from Susan and all the reminders of his fucking life. He's mostly been focusing on New York, wanting a school in the city, where he can be more open about his fucking sexuality, maybe. Away from all this small town bullshit, and maybe Steve could join him, Billy thinks, and then stops himself from entertaining that idea anymore. Why would Steve want to follow Billy to an expensive city away from everyone he knows? It's an insane thought. 

"Well, you've got the fucking grades for it," Steve tells him, "Is this something your dad wanted?" 

"Yes," Billy knows Neil wanted him in school, and he told Billy the only way he'd approve of Billy going off to college would be if he continued with basketball. Neil wanted Billy to be a sports star, something Neil could never do. "He wanted me to play basketball, but honestly, I never really liked basketball." 

Steve asks him what sport he enjoys instead, and when Billy brings up surfing, Steve seems interested. Billy surfed in secret, like he lives most of his life, and is decent enough. Nowhere near the guys that take surfing seriously, but he can ride a wave out and even managed a few tricks like the roundhouse cutback. It took him forever to get right and he’d swallowed a lot of saltwater in his desire to be perfect. A part of him only kept up with surfing in the hopes that his mother would just be there watching him with a proud smile, and the other was just to spite Neil. Billy doesn't share that with Steve though, and luckily Steve doesn't ask. 

He asks different questions instead. Steve wants to know what tricks Billy learned and how he learned them. Impressed when Billy admits to learning them by himself and watching other, better surfers pull off amazing moves gracefully. Rapid-fire questions are shot at him, and Billy doesn't stop to think how to answer. None of them are too personal, and Billy feels his guard falling away as he describes the beaches he'd go to with the best of his ability. The water was a pretty blue, the sand white and warm, and Billy tells Steve he loved shoving his feet deep in the sand, not fearing any hidden crabs.

"You _really_ liked surfing?" Steve asks, but Billy knows it isn't really a question. He is pointing out the obvious, but Billy still answers, stuck in the habit of doing so.

"Yeah, it was my favorite thing to do." Billy shares with ease.

"Is that why he hated you?" Steve asks.

"No, he hated me for being a _fag_." Billy answers and then stops breathing.

The room goes silent, and Billy slowly starts to feel the panic claw its way up into his chest. His heart begins to beat rapidly and a ringing in his ear becomes too loud to hear anything over. Just as suddenly as he stopped breathing, he starts breathing again, fast and short. Billy sits up, trying to get it under control, not wanting to die in Steve's bedroom on top of coming out. He waits for the harsh words that will follow, the accusatory shouting that Billy was trying to rape him, that Billy is a gross disgusting monster and how dare he try to act like anything other than that. Billy should be ashamed of himself. 

"Billy," Steve says his name worriedly, no trace of anger or disgust to be heard.

Billy feels Steve's hands on his face and flinches for a moment, thinking Steve will hit him, but Steve's hands rest gently on his face. His fingers slip into his hair and his thumbs brush over Billy's brows while his palms rest just beside his eyes. Billy doesn't fight as Steve turns his head to get Billy to look at him, and Billy closes his eyes like a child. He is afraid of what he'll see in Steve's stupid fucking expressive eyes, not ready to lose their friendship. 

"Billy," Steve repeats his name, this time softer and closer. Billy feels his breath against his forehead, Steve closer than he has ever been. A soft press of lips against his forehead has Billy's eyes snapping open and his head jerking back. He shoots Steve a confused look, watching his face turn a bright, embarrassed red. 

"I kissed a boy once," Steve rushes out, looking everywhere but at Billy, "My mom walked in, then walked out. She never brought it up but was too excited about Nancy." 

"What?" Billy feels lost. 

"I guess I'm a fag too, or gay, but not entirely. I still like girls," Steve tries to explain. 

"You're bisexual," Billy whispers so low he practically mouths the words, and it isn't like he’s really talking to Steve. How did he miss this? Steve gave nothing away, playing it even closer to his fucking chest than Billy. 

They just kind of stare at each other a moment, Steve’s hands falling away and dropping to his lap. Billy feels like he's in shock and his eyes fall to Steve's mouth. _What is it like to kiss Steve?_ Billy thinks, and he feels the heat in his cheek at the revelation that he could find out. Not that he'd ask Steve out, Billy doesn't have the balls for that, but his chances are a lot better than he'd ever thought they would be. 

"Hey, Billy?" Steve's voice has Billy's eyes jerking away from Steve's mouth and he wills himself not to react to the confident smirk Steve shoots his way.

"Yeah?" 

"What are you doing this weekend?" Steve asks him out without stuttering over his words like Billy had when he'd asked out boys in the past. Steve is smoother than him, the asshole. 

"Nothing," Billy answers, figuring he can just put off painting his room forever if Steve keeps looking at him with that pleased grin on his cute fucking face. 

"Go on a date with me," Steve's hands move back to Billy's face to put a curl behind Billy's ear like he'd done in the hallway all that time ago, but this time his hand settles in the crook of Billy's neck. He keeps his thumb over Billy's Adam's apple, but is still gentle as he pulls him forward. 

"Yes," Billy says even though he has so many fucking questions fighting to be asked first in his head. Is Steve only asking to make a fool out of Billy? Is he only asking because it seems like Billy's the only other gay kid around? Or has Steve always had a crush on Billy like he's had a crush on Steve? That seems too good to be true. 

"Sweet," Steve says, and Billy stops caring about why Steve is asking him on a date when Steve's mouth is on his. The kiss is more of a peck, nothing hot and heavy, just sweet, and Billy loves it. 

"Sweet," Steve repeats and he kisses him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen is this taking place in the 80s. yes. is billy putting blush on like an e girl. yes. he's ahead of his time ok
> 
> also lol i just took liberty with steve's house bc idr what it looks like i have no time to look it up ( ~~i say as i am currently unemployed bc of a pandemic and have all the time in the world right now~~ )


End file.
